Let's Go Tanning

My boss told me that he went tanning.  Next topic.

Every morning I open my closet to see what appears to be the wardrobe of a kindergarten teacher.



I see in Allure Magazine, Glamour Magazine and all the other rags super awesome office clothing; shift dresses, brightly colored cardigans, accessories, etc.  Who is suppose to afford this?

  By the way, this photo is not a nod to Anne Hathaway; she annoys me.  She sucked extra hard in "Love and Other Drugs" starring his royal hotness, Jake G.  Her lipstick is always too dark and she does this weird thing with her mouth when she is trying to be seductive.  Another example of this is Drew Barrymore.

Back to my original thought-- cute office clothing.  Seriously, I grab the same style of boring SLACKS, the same style of boring cardigan/sweater and the same pair of patent leather Danskos.  I'm sure people see me in the airport and assume I'm one of three things:  a teacher, a church receptionist or a super conservative mother of 6.

Sometimes, if I'm feeling frisky, I wear hoop earrings.  Big deal.  Perhaps this cloak of boring office gear is due to a complaint I received one time from a co-worker, "Whoa.  Your hair..... is.... so..... not one color."  True story.  Just got highlights.  Really?  The person who shared this info with me had the haircut and color featured below:


"What Not To Wear" could crash my office and have at least 12 people guilty of the Cardinal Rule:
 Turtleneck and Vest combo.  A lethal dose of ugly.

Blue mascara

I went to Charlotte, NC (ner curlina) for work on Monday.  With meetings all day yesterday, my boss and I somehow managed to stop in at a Wal-Mart to do a "store audit," a.k.a look at Coke displays.  Let me tell you-- Wal-Mart in Charlotte kicks ass.  LOTS of moms with their carts jammed to the gills with Kool-Aid, Tater Tots and economy-sized Cheetos.  I wonder why kids are fat nowadays?

Personally, I enjoy Wal-Mart.  Better than any airport for people watching, Wal-Mart offers a lady like me a quick dose of self-esteem, confidence and a swift-kick-in-the-ass reminder that my life is in fact on track.

Chris' birthday was yesterday so we celebrated with dinner at Jameson's, compliments of Ms. Pat Willis herself.  I would've liked to take him to Enchanted Castle however, I didn't want to alienate ourselves being the only 30-somethings playing in the ball bin and throwing back pitchers of beer.

Curled Bangs

I complain about having to be on the road for work on a fairly regular basis.  What I fail to mention is the sometimes AWESOME hairstyles I encounter in airports across the country.  Case In Point: Charlotte, NC.

This neck of the south is apparently a budding city, chocked full of Nascar fans, southern drawls and MALL HAIR.  Walking off the airplane last night I was bombarded by a lady's perm as I made a turn for the restroom.  No joke-- I caught a whiff of Salon Selectives hairspray Extra Hold.  I'd also like to mention that she was wearing a Celine Dion t-shirt and windpants.

I wonder if its irony that Brad the Bachelor chose a North Carolinian for the final rose?  She had secret mall hair underneath that nape of blonde and veneers.

Fusstrated and Acrosst

Chris and I registered at Home Depot and Bed, Bath and Beyond yesterday.  I wish someone had prepared me for what we experienced.  Nothing major to report however, when we left BB&B, I was ready to haymaker the next person that asked "Can I help you with anything?"  Holy crap.  It's not enough to have to come up with "twice the items as people invited" (400), having to comb through every nook and cranny of a home goods store is migraine-inducing.

I was trying to visualize what we currently have in our kitchen, organizing "needs versus wants."  Truly, all we really need is a few rubber spatulas and a pizza stone.  We threw in a coffee maker with a grinder, a paella pan and a new set of flannel sheets just to keep things spicy.  Home Depot however, was a totally different story.

Since HD doesn't have an online-type bridal registry, we had to walk around doing our own data entry.  Armed with several pieces of paper, for every item we liked we had to write down its SKU/UPC and description of the item.  Mostly shovels, patio-related things and garden tools, we are really in need of those chosen.  Chris and I own one rake and a pair of scissors.

Is it possible to register at Jim's Pet World?  Puppies?  Birdfeeders?

Thankfully, we ran into Benson and Rosanna amidst the registering hijinks and determined a pint of beer would make the annoyance go away.  Mission accomplished.

Frolick by Britney Spears

I'd like to discuss one of my favorite topics: Pet Peeves.  Below is a list of some of my pet peeves:

1.)  Cars that have turn signals out, missing lights, broken lights, etc.  Nothing pisses me off more than a car with no brake lights;  it's almost like you're begging to get rear-ended.

2.)  People that chew with their mouth open, eat with their fingers, lick their fingers while eating and/or make strange noises while eating.  Humans are not farm animals and utensils were invented for a reason.

3.)  Co-workers that don't shower/comb their hair/brush their teeth/present themselves in a decent fashion to come to work.  "Casual Friday" does not mean "Hey, I'm going to throw on a sweet 1984 macramed crewneck sweatshirt and some velcro shoes with my tapered jeans and head on into the office."

4.)  Bluetooths.  I don't need to elaborate.

5.)  Stankin' ass perfume.  This item could be discussed in the Monforton household for hours.  I will try and keep things short, sweet and to-the-point.
a.)  Celebrities should no longer put their names on scents.  Hilary Duff, Celine Dion, J.Lo, Halle  Berry, Queen Latifah, Derek Jeter, Cristina Aguilera, Fergie and Brit-Brit should stick with what they're good at (or not so good at) and give up on the perfume bizz.  Top notes of cotton candy, syrup, pee, marshmallows, dandelions and panther blood don't belong in a toilette form.  Case in point:  Paris Hilton's Can-Can.  I'm gagging.

6.)  Couples that talk about their overtly, borderline-hardcore-porn sex life.  I don't need to hear Jimmy and Sally discuss how they purchased a 49 lb. apparatus that is now hanging/fashioned to their bedroom closet while enjoying a meal of spaghetti.

Nice shell necklace

I've been holding back on writing about the show "Teen Mom."  Chris will never admit to this however, it is our favorite show.  Aside from "Intervention," "Teen Mom" makes me feel awesome about myself.  Knowing that I got through my teens and twenties without getting knocked up (out of wedlock), graduated high school and college and found myself a good job.  Case in point Jenelle.

Jenelle lives in some coastal town, South Carolina perhaps?  Anyhoo, Jenelle had a son in her late teens just upon graduating high school.  Unfortunately she lives with her crazy-ass controlling mom which makes the living arrangement resemble much of "Joe Dirt."  Apparently the baby daddy is out of the picture, so Jace's upbringing is left up to Psycho Mom and WT Jenelle.

This particular season (Season Two) Jenelle has managed to lose temporary custody of her kid, wrangle up the biggest-of-losers boyfriend (complete with lip ring, awesome hemp necklace and no job), get kicked out her house, and possibly be facing credit card fraud charges.  Great.  I feel awesome.

Lesson learned?  Two words:  BIRTH CONTROL.  Oh, and, don't be a ho.

Hair in my throat

I hate it when the alarm goes off and I find myself in the most awesome, comfortable position (blankies perfectly warmed and soft) with Kasia and Chris sandwiching me like a Double Stuff Vanilla Oreo.  Well, technically, it would be a reverse Oreo, since Kasia is of the African-American persuasion and Chris could be taken for a Pacific Islander.  Nonetheless, the alarm starts blaring and all things that are good in the world get shot to hell in a handbasket.

The second my feet hit the floor, Kasia jumps out of bed and starts following me around (please take into consideration that she usually isn't fully "awake" so her ears are wonky and she runs into things).  This is also something I really enjoy: Kasia is only snuggly early in the morning and late at night.  Unlike Carrie's dog Beans, Kasia would rather play hide-and-seek with a pair of my underwear than do snugglies on the couch.

The next dog we adopt, I'm going to train it specifically for snuggling; no more rambunctious pup with the desire to drag tree branches around the front yard.



Relief Cut

Chris and I finished the bathroom weekend project!  Well, actually, I should say that I assisted Chris in the completion of painting of our hall bathroom.  Painted a gross, muted fleshtone, we opted for "Elephant Skin" on the walls and a lighter shade of grey on the ceiling.  To make the two colors "pop" Chris put up 3-piece crown molding.  Whoa.  It looks awesome.  Complete with a new vanity cabinet, our "terlit is lookin' real nice." 

       

If only I could make Mike Holmes appear and landscape the crap out of backyard.



Happy Saturday

I like it when people use the phrase "Bring Down the House."  This quick yet intense saying can breathe new meaning into something very simple, like a fart.  "Chris really brought down the house with that fart."  I'm just saying.....

This morning was the first in several days that upon opening my eyes, I didn't have a ten minute coughing fit.  Granted, I don't think the 45 lbs. of Kasia hairs in my throat (from her sleeping in our bed) helps however, I finally feel normal.  The Z-Pak definitely helped.  Praise Jesus for pharmaceuticals.

Though our wedding isn't until November I think it is in my best interest to kickstart a little weight loss.  When trying on my dress, setting aside that it looked rad, I determined it would look even better if I shook off some winter weight.

Cousin Lauren was in town last night and she mentioned trying her hand at P90X.  I purchased the dvds last year and only managed to get through 18 odd days or so....  I wonder if I could get through all the workouts?  New challenge.  Time to tighten the velcro, re-adjust the sports bra and strap on the wristbands.... GAME TIME.  Let's get our run on.



He should get back with Brit

Alright.  We get it.  Charlie Sheen is on the fast track to Shitsville.  Below are a few other items that I can live without from this day forward:

1.)  Prince William and Kate Middleton's Wedding Details.  No one cares.  We live in the US, not the United Kingdom.

2.)  Jennifer Aniston.  She is a crappy actress; playing the same character in EVERY movie, with the exception of Derailed, which sucked.  No one cares about her hair, beauty secrets, Mexican vacations or what she doesn't eat.

3.)  Hollywood moms and their light-speed weight loss methods.  There is no way in the world that any new mom should drop 40 pounds in 6 weeks.  Enjoy your curves, breastfeed your kid and let's move on.

4.)  Gluten free

5.)  The Bachelor and his inability to have a personality.  Of course hot Emily doesnt want to marry him.

6.)  Last but not least, Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake.  I feel the need to elaborate on this one:

Justin Timberlake is hot with hot dance moves.  His cologne (rightfully dubbed "Play") smells hot.  He is generally hot.  When Jessica Biel stepped onto the Timberlake Train, she probably was fresh off of "Blade Trinity" bandwagon when the entire cast rocked badass bodies.  So she can shoot a bow and arrow?!  So she is the face of Revlon?!  Jessica is high maintenance and ALSO dated the biggest ho, cross-eyed Derek Jeter.  JT deserves better; someone with equally hot moves and of equal financial status.  That's right.  Brit Brit.