I'm probably on a loop-- I know I tend to talk about the same stuff over and over again....  its just that some things are super important to me.  SNOW, for example.  Real importante.  More important?  The fact that Chicago hasnt really been blanketed in much this winter.  A total bummer.  Perhaps its my Michigan upbringing, or my love for winter in general?  Nothing is more peaceful than waking up and seeing a fresh white blanket of snow.  

So, as the east coasters shovel themselves out of 100 inches of snow, I'll just sit here in complete lust.

Today's post is dedicated solely to the douchebags of the world.  Unfortunately, said douchebags are completely unsuspecting of their condition, making this affliction (no pun intended) that more serious.  On the daily I am reminded that douchebags are all around us; this is not just a local issue, but touches the population globally.  There is no safe place to be void of douchebaggery.

The Urban Dictionary defines a douchebag by the below guidelines:

Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker. Not to be confuzed with douche.

Rob:He kept hitting on my girlfriend at the party, he just wouldnt leave her alone!! 
Sam: God, what a douchebag.

source: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=douchebag

Let's open up this discussion by loosely defining the types of douchebags that affect our lives.  Please note, this is by my standards and am open to other interpretations.

1.  The Workplace Douche:

The latin word for this specimen is homodouchisaurus.  Characterized typically by one-upping any and every conversation, making up words to sound more intelligent (but really having it backfire because the word is made up), referencing people, places or experiences that have no relevance to anything, and most importantly, desperately insecure.

Workplace douches are a mild menace because they are typically threatened in almost any situation, due to their complete lack of skill/intelligence but not fully aware of said lack of skill/intelligence. WDBs feel the need to agree with the boss at any opportunity, figuratively lick the boss' balls and/or be the watercooler gossiper, because they want others to think they are in the know of all.  The disease of Workplace Douche is not socially debilitating, since most sufferers maintain good networking skills, but they manipulate these relationships in a way that brings notice only to themselves. Thusly, sufferers of the disease tend to pass their suffering onto us.

2.  The Wedding Douche

This is the guy at EVERY wedding, who tries to throw himself onto any single girl, but in turn, makes himself look like a drunk horny asshole.  Its 110% to be the drunk guy at a wedding, but when you toss horny into the mix, you are just cockblocking yourself.

3.  The Hipster Douchebag

The first question they ask you is “what kind of music do you like?". The answer is crucial because if you don't like alternative bands that no one has heard of then you're obviously “too mainstream" to be able to hang out with them. They think this bothers you, but in reality you don't notice. The only thing tighter than their very exclusive group of friends is their jeans.  I'm wildly impressed by people who admit to their love for Hall & Oates, any and all yacht rock and The Outfield.  

Hipster douches seem to lack clean hair; that is beyond douchey and just plain gross.  Wash your hair bro. 

Bunco bitches.  I'm officially a huge fan.  Friday night was spent at my gf Mona's house playing this amaze game, which required zero skill (bonus).  Wine, snacks and the ability to laugh real loud without a child waking up made this evening so much fun.  Additionally, all the ladies that participated were wonderful company (meaning didn't suck).  I am 110% a shoe-in for this once-a-month game.  

The topics discussed at Bunco are listed below:

1.  landscaping, and by landscaping I mean personal hygiene

2.  dating

3.  booty calls

4.  diamonds

5.  divorce

6.  raising non-asshole kids

7.  makeup/skincare

8.  how women rule so much more than men

We went from topic to topic in the most fluid of ways.  (Also, Mona had this amazing snack mix from Target that included dark chocolate espresso beans.)  Though this group of ladies was a tad bit older than me, we had everything in common.  So Mona, thank you for being such a gracious host and sharing your friends with me.

If you haven't already-- find a group of chics that are legit, like to have a few cocktails and start rollin' the dice.  You wont regret it.

PART TWO:

Does anyone else think its weird this whole "Making Of A Murderer" is such a craze?  If you haven't already binge-watched this Netflix docu-series, let me fill you in (Cliff Notes version):

"Making a Murderer details the life of Steven Avery, a Wisconsin man whose family owned an auto salvage yard in Manitowoc County. In 1985, Avery was arrested and convicted of the sexual assault of Penny Beerntsen, despite having numerous alibis. After serving 18 years in prison, Avery was exonerated with the aid of the Innocence Project, when the DNA in the case was matched to another man guilty of crimes in the area. After Avery was released from prison in 2003, he filed a $36 million civil lawsuit against Manitowoc County and several county officials associated with his first arrest. Soon after filing the lawsuit, he was accused of the murder of Teresa Halbach, a photographer who was last seen on the Avery family property to photograph a minivan for sale.

Making a Murderer explores issues and procedures in the Manitowoc County sheriff's department that led to Avery's original conviction. It suggests the county officials had a conflict of interest in participating in the investigation of Halbach's murder. Brendan Dassey, Avery's nephew was also accused and convicted as an accomplice in the murder. The series depicts his trial as well." 

(compliments of Wikipedia)

The fascinating part of this show is how people are responding to it.  Facebook has everyone asking the question "do you think Steven Avery is guilty?"  I wish people showed this much interest in the presidential race.

Welp.  I didnt win the Powerball.  AND, I managed to not lose much sleep over it.  In other news and in support of a recent blog post regarding Farrah from "Teen Mom OG," she is still a bitch.

http://www.sheknows.com/entertainment/articles/1107523/farrah-abraham-shockingly-curses-at-her-mom-in-front-of-her-daughter-video

Its Friday and wine cant come soon enough.  I discovered a little gem at ALDI.  If you love Sauvignon Blanc, which I do, and you also love wine at a low price point, you'll love a little ditty called Sunshine Bay.  Magic and under $5.  You're welcome.

I havent posted many pics of my kids lately.  Below are a few goodies:

My little hobbit unicorn princess

Beau's first movie...."Charlie Brown"

I cant believe how fast they are growing!  Beau and Casey go to "school" full time (aka daycare), which has been a Godsend.  Both are learning so much and have become social butterflies (I wonder where they get that from?!).  Casey will be 2 in May which means she will be going to college next year and I cant handle that.  Cue tears.  In the mean time, I will cherish every single snuggle that she gives me, and caress her magical unicorn horn ponytail all the days.

Beau is very 3 1/2.  He loves to test me.  He also loves chocolate, hot dogs, lemonade and anything having to do with Costco (he gets that from my dad).  Little Shep has also developed quite the liking for trucks, spiders and legos.  Total boy.

The Powerball.  I for one have been daydreaming about winning the Powerball (or some sort of lottery entailing a shitpile of scratch) for years.  Literally.  I will catch myself staring off into unicorn space and fantasizing about all the magical things I'd do with tons of dough.  Below is a list, which has been compiled over several hours spent in unicorn space (in order of importance):
*It is automatically assumed I have an attorney on payroll as well as team of financial advisors*

1.  Pay off my students loans whilst telling Sallie Mae to get fucked.

2.  Share my wealth with immediate family members so we can all live in the lap of awesomeness

3.  Donate 1/4 of wealth to charity, most likely being some sort of Alzheimer's group, Epilepsy collabaritive, some dog/animal shelters and Planned Parenthood.

4.  Pay off my house, as well as immediate family members homes still with mortgages, as well as their student loans.

5.  Plan and partake in a kick-ass vacay (with nanny in tow and immediate family) around the British Virgin Islands for several weeks or however long I feel like it.



6.  Donate 1-2 mil to Saint Joseph's College, so they can name a building after me.

7.  Sing my son up for hockey.

8.  Start a youth lacrosse program in DuPage County, IL (and have my dad run it)


9.  Most likely, we would stay in our home, but finish remodeling it, which would include a really lux master bath and finish the unfinished basement, so my parents could sleep over and not have to stay in a hotel when they come to visit.

10.  Buy a vacation home in either Wisconsin or Michigan that could sleep several people.  And have a garage full of snowmobiles, and all the things.  We'd also have several acres of privacy, some horses, perhaps some chickens for fresh eggs.


11.  I'd start a non-profit for single working parents to ensure their children were getting everything they needed: transportation to and from activities, homework help, college counseling, the whole nine yards.

12.  Buy the lots on either side of our house, tell our HOA to get fucked, and build an awesome garden and an in-ground pool.

13.  Volunteer at a dog shelter or at a NICU.  Holding teeny babies or holding baby puppies is awesome.

Lastly, I would hire a personal trainer.  For realsies.  Everyday, that person would come to my house and work out with me in my kick ass home gym.

I did not watch the Golden Globes however, I did go on the US Weekly website to check out some of the frocks that were worn.  Below is my favorite and least favorite.  Please note that I am not the fashion police and at any chance I can grab, I wear tapered sweatpants.

GROSS

Giuliana Rancic.  This is a toughy.  While I enjoyed her reality show, I am not a fan of the former DePandi.  Bill's wife seems caught up in the basic conversations of red carpets and all things E! News (or her new line of wine), and may need to enlist in a new stylist.  While tall and wears clothes beautifully because of her slender frame, G needs to bring her "look" to a place of pretty.  She is kinda tapping into that Florida look (that we try to avoid)-- too tannish, hair a bit too blondishly ombred and makeup too matchy matchy with her ensemble (use a french accent to pronounce that word).  I dont get why peeps think the whole "cut-out" look is cool, or hot or feminine; it looks stupid.  Also, she has wizard sleeves, and not in a cool Gandalf the Grey kind of way.

So in conclusion, Giuliana should've pulled her hair back, and cut off the bat wings. 

Moving on to Taylor Schilling, or "Pipes," and I like to refer to her.  Has anyone ever seen the amazeballs movies "American Hustle" or "Scarface?"  Yeah.  Think Halston, Studio54, full eyebrows and plunging v-necks; a time of looser updos, a smoked out eye, edgy glam and all things quaaludes.  Pipes' Golden Globe package (in my non-expert opinion) was very reminiscent of said awesomeness. 

mic drop awesome

Taylor's makeup was soft, hair loosely pulled back to show off the amazing neckline, jewelry understated-- lets let the outfit speak for itself.  Also, who doesnt lerv a pantsuit?  Plus, sparkles are always a plus.  Nailed it bitch.  Nailed.

The only thing I wouldve done differently is perhaps a more dramatic earring-- something with a bit more oomph and in a contrasting color.

I'm sure all those lame talk shows will be discussing Jennifer Lopez and her rbf, or maybe Kate Hudson's dress.  Joy Behar can talk all she wants because Amy Adams was a close second to Pipes' amazing get-up.

Above a beautifully styled lady-- the color is stunning on her, the cut of the dress is feminine, just enough sparkle.... timeless.  Amy hit this one out of the park.  She just looks pretty.  

I've talked about the MTV show Teen Mom before.  And because its so amazing, I'm going to talk about it again.  Actually, I'm just going to talk about Farrah.  This particular cast of Teen Mom first appeared on "16 And Pregnant" several years ago.  All being teenage mothers, this show chronicled the lives of Maci, Farrah, Catelynn and Amber as they navigated their way through waters unknown.  All their stories were different-- all compelling, nonetheless.  So, flash forward to now and their stories are still unfolding and are just as interesting, if not even more.  

THEN

Maci-- we met her as a high school student, getting ready to give birth to her son Bentley.  Ryan, Bentley's father, was her steady boyfriend at the time.

Amber-- new mom to daughter Leah, she and her boyfriend Gary were trying to make it work as new parents.

Farrah (my favorite)-- teen mom to Sophia, never was filmed with on again-off again boyfriend Derek (baby daddy).

Catelynn-- the most heart tugging story, gave birth to baby Carly and opted for adoption with her boyfriend Tyler.

Long story short, the cast has grown up and so have their babies.  Now first graders/kindergartners, the kids are thriving and cuter than ever.  All of the ladies have been through hell and back in some sort of way but road has been more colorful than Farrah's.

Yep.  That's good ole Farrah..... and not in pilates class.  PORN, although she claims it was a sex tape leaked to the media.  Yeah.  Sure.... and I'm the Queen of Egypt.  Lured by what I'm assuming is $$$$, Farrah went down the road of Ron Jeremy's colleagues and also opted to enhance herself.  Now, Farrah is lying in the bed she made (no pun intended) and is having a hard time swallowing (no pun intended) the American public's reaction to her dirty decisions.

At the end of the day, Farrah should've used her Teen Mom money to put a psychiatrist on the pay roll.  Her daughter's father died before the birth of Sophia, her parents divorced, not to mention being thrust into the public eye with the success of the show.  Instead, Farrah probably got mixed up with a slimey manager and was urged to use her assets for beat off material.

I hope that 16 And Pregnant illustrated the not-so-glam version of being a young parent.  I hope that Teen Mom OG emphasizes (even more) how being a teen mother/father changes everything. 

The silver lining in all this?  Catelynn and Tyler got married (finally), had another child (who is literally the cutest little unicorn EVER) and have a nice little life.  Amber is figuring her shit out.  Maci had another baby named Jayde with her bf Taylor..... Bentley's dad Ryan is still the biggest douche loser ever.  If only Farrah could get it together and stop being such a friggin' b to her poor mom.  Give Deb a break for chrissakes.  

http://brobible.com/entertainment/article/conan-ice-cube-kevin-hart-teach-girl-to-drive/

Having a bad day?  You literally need to put down whatever it is your fooling with, and watch the mentioned clip.  You're welcome.

Ever have one of those days where you feel like there is a 168 lb. cat is resting on your shoulders?  Yeah.  That's me today.  Is there any sort of airborne Xanax I can inhale?  Alcohol in chewing gum form?  Its not that I'm ungrateful for all the wonderful awesome things in my life.  I'm just having one of those days.  Perhaps I should capitalize on my mood and invent some sort of mental slap-in-the-face (via gum/candy/droplet) that has the capability to pull oneself out of a state of "f the world."  An emotional sports bra if you will; lifts you up, holds your shit in place so you can work-it-girl.

Perhaps I should be updating my blog...... and have it evolve into a round table discussion regarding today's happenings/politics, etc.  There is just SO much going on.  In fact, too much to process.  

Donald Trump for one, is a larger than life cystic zit that just wont go away;  Its like when you're at the last-ditch effort to make that damn blemish go away, and blow torch may not be powerful enough.  The simple thought of DT becoming POTUS makes me get insta-diarrhea.   Scratch that, that low blood sugary feeling when you almost faint is how I feel.  

The shooting in San Bernadino, CA.  Yet another shooting.  Jesus on the cross.  People are going postal, with a full arsenal of shit is insane.  Literally.  The LaQuan McDonald bullshit.  What is this world coming to?  Are we just a pissed off people?  Lacking empathy?  No longer tolerant of any adversity?  I dont even know where to start in how to digest all these negative happenings.  I fear for the lives of my kids.

For starters, getting a gun should be as difficult was getting a mortgage.  Its a responsibility to carry a weapon.  Plain and simple.  Want a gun?  Cool.  Register here, take these classes, and go through the steps.  Get denied?  So sorry, guess you'll have to try again at another time.

LaQuan McDonalds and the CPS.  First of all.... the fact that this nonsense was hidden from the general public is gross.  People knew and for whatever reason, felt it was morally legit to keep their mouths shut.  WEIRD.  I would not be able to sleep at night knowing information that could negatively affect another person.

I have this sneaking feeling that my guy Rahm knew something.....  I get that he is busy.....  but acknowledge and delegate accordingly.  I give it a few more months, once the federal investigation kicks off, and the shits gonna start boiling out of the cracks.  

I'm a working mom.  Chris got his wish.  One big observation-- there is no such thing as work/life balance.  All those parents out there who spew at the mouth about how there house is so clean, and they worked out for 5 hours and made a 5 course meal can eat shit. 

I am gone 10 hours a day.  I come home to chaos.  Dinner needs to be made, baths, bed time.  This is why people drink.  I should invest in a winery because it would be cost effective.

Its been too long.  A few fun facts, in no specific order:

1.  I need to find a job yesterday.

2.  The whore/saleschic at the Benefit Brow Bar/Ulta at Jefferson Pointe in Fort Wayne, IN needs to stop talking, focus on her job and lighten up on the lipgloss.

3.  I thought it was winter.  Where is the snow?

4.  I'm in a meal planning slump.  Nothing sounds good, yet I'm starving.

5.  Shep is now into throwing things; books, blocks, Matchbox cars, food.  Casey's head is often the target.

I wish I could land a radio DJ/XM hosting gig.  Getting paid to talk and offer up my opinions.  Best job EVER.  How do I land that gig?

What's new:  I have a shorter 'do, do to the fact that my hair is falling out.  Thyroid?  Stress?  Post baby action?  Who knows?  All I know is that I need a weave.  Its also darker-- not sure how I feel about it.

My kid, the future frat boy, complete with keg in hand