Let's stray off the usual Friday topic of "Strong Women."  In fact, lets talk about the opposite scenario: men with egos.  You may want to grab some alcohol, a xannie or slap on some sweatpants for this one.

Case in point: Donald Trump.  And let me be clear... I am not a psychotherapist, I am simply a spectactor in life.  This dude acts like he knows everything; one would assume this is an impossible feat.  Not one person could possible know EVERYTHING, right?  Wrong.  Donald Trump is trying to persuade us differently.  His word is Gospel.  The end-all-be-all and the buck stops with him.  How did Trump's ego get so inflated?

And let me just be clear that apparently he also has an auxilliary vagina because he seems to be the point person for all things related to women's issues.  Ok, moving on....

-Did his mother praise him all day every day?  Because, they say that men's egos are the direct result of their mother and his relationship with her.

I wish I felt so awesome about myself.  I am so highly aware of my flaws; its what holds me back in life.  Since Donald Trump pisses Cristal, I wonder what its like to be in his inner circle?  Do you think he just gets fluffed all day long?

Subject #2: Kanye.  Lord Jesus humble this man.  I feel sorry for his children.  North and Saint's (I'm laughing out loud) parents SELF ABSORBED.  Children need to be taught humility and fairness; it actually teaches them how to be confident.  Strange, I know.  If the playing field is never leveled for East and Martyr, I fear for them.  There is no way in hell that Kimye's kids have any sort of normalcy.  NO WAY.

I wonder if Kanye rocks North to sleep by telling her how great he is?  "North, your daddy is the shizz.  Everyone loves me and wants to be me.  I'm like, Jesus.  Better yet, I'm Yeezus."

My favorite male ego is a sensitive one.  You know, a dude that's lived a little, experienced some heartache, been fired from a few jobs, lost a significant sum of money due to a bad investment.  Nothing will straighten your shit out faster than a wallet getting super skinny or a hot chic issuing the Heisman.

I need to play catch up:

On top of hating snakes, I'm really hating local news.  There are so many important current events happening internationally-- Chicagoans no longer need to know about how many shootings there were the night before.  Literally-- the news feed is clogged with murders and I'm over it.

I signed up for scentbird.  Ummmm amazing (in a high pitched singing voice).

https://www.scentbird.com

You pay a monthly fee to get samples of awesome perfume.  This is soooo in my wheel house.  I LERV fragrance.  Having a bad day?  Feeling fat and gross?  No problem.  PERFUME always fits; its never too tight or the wrong color and talks back.  Check it out and you wont be sorry.

I'm hosting the Bunco ladies tomorrow night.  I should have added a disclaimer that my house looks like a bomb went off.  Is it bad if I ask my Bunco guests to help me fold laundry?

I hate snakes.  HATE.  I also hate mosquitoes because they serve NO PURPOSE.  (At least with snakes, they eat mice and other nuisance vermin.)  This weekend, I developed a hatred for another one of God's creatures-- spiders.  I don't freak out when I see a spider crawling by; even if it is crawling on me.  My dislike for these stinkin' 8-legged jerks is because they bite.

It is fair to say that I have 13-15 spider bites on my right leg.  What the fuck.  Spider bites are not small.  No.  Of course, unlike a mosquito, spiders have to nip ya in groups of 3 or so, and of course, they have to swell up to the size of marbles.  COOL.  So now, my upper right thigh and hip are literally itching like crazy and have swelled.  Word up.

The mauling of my lower extremities occurred at our cottage in Wisconsin.  Yes, the house is located in a wooded area where one would find lots of spiders and like creatures.  I am all about sharing space with those who inhibited the area first.  #peace  While I'm Ghandi on the surface, I am NOT about sharing my sleeping arrangements with spiders.  No-thank-you-get-the-f-out.

As I heal this week and get wasted on Benadryl I'm going to come with a pretty strong arsenal to ensure that spiders DON'T become my bedmates.  

I'm seriously so sad from the passing of Prince..... there is no sign on my computer to use for his symbol thingy...  He was a true pioneer and visionary of music.  Respecting his art, Prince never sold out and went to his own beat in terms of style.  Weird-- Bowie and Prince.  Two amazing talents now gone.  

Of course, the media is spinning Prince's passing as drug-related or some other type of crap.  Why can't national news just leave things alone and let the dust settle before crazy accusations?  Jeez, there hasn't even been an autopsy-- and to add, its frankly none of our business how he died.

I'd also like to add that Diamond and Pearl were totally ahead of their time with their whole get-up.  Blown out hair, crazy awesome makeup and must I even mention the studded bustiers?!?  HOLLER.

I guess I just threw another #lifegoal into my bag of lifegoals.  Aside from wanting to whistle with two fingers and being able to drink my coffee black, looking like Diamond and/or Pearl has become a priority.

The weather is finally warming up.  It actually feels like spring.  High fives all around.  Because the thermometer has not dipped below 45 this week, it means people are kicking off their Sorel boots in exchange for flip flops.

While some of you think the transition from boot to sandal is simple, in actuality this change requires some legwork.  If you have any sort of sense, please follow the below steps:

*this is non-discriminative and should be applied to all sexes*

1.  Get a pedicure.  For real.  I'm not talking about washing your feet in the shower.  Pay $20-30 and go to a walk-in joint for an actual soak.  There is nothing more disgust (well, there actually is other stuff more foul than gross feet but I don't have enough time for that right now) than bogus feet/toes/nails.

2.  Have your feet scrubbed, cuticles cleaned up, nails filed and painted (or buffed).

3.  Follow step 2 at any point when things are looking not legit.  Use the below picture as a guideline:

No one needs to be seeing gross callouses, dirt under the nails, etc.  While on topic, the same goes for fingernails.  

MEN-- long nails are unacceptable.  Period.  This does not waver.  Cut your nails short.  No crack nails.  

NOT OK.  No matter what.  Unacceptable.

Ladies-- nails are acceptable, and I apologize if that sounds sexist. Personally I think nails look best kept short and nicely shaped.  No chipping polish or bitten/gnawed to the bone look is ever appealing.  

I've mention my distaste for long and coffin-shaped daggers.  Its a trend that needs to peace out.

Fun fact:  I cut or inspect my kids' nails every other day.  Maybe I'm crazy or o.c.d......  probably both.

We spent the weekend at our cottage in Wisconsin and it was nothing short of awesome.  Having two little ones that want to run all over is challenging but thankfully, the community where the cottage sits is full of amazingly nice people that are always to lend a hand.  Example-- your kid is running towards the street-- someone will jump out and prevent them from getting hurt.  LOVE THAT.  It literally takes a village to raise a child.

A few things I'd like to vent out into the world:  

Coachella.  No one cares.  Also, I hate jean shorts.  What do I hate more?  Jean shorts on a guy.  Gross.  Literally, this music festival is a means for people to dress oddly and wear lots of crowns made out of flowers, bandanas and Chuck Taylor shoes.

Whatever happened to flip flops, a pair of khaki shorts and a t-shirt?

My other issue is unsolicited advice on parenting.  This is a fine line.  If I ask for an opinion, that is DIFFERENT.  I'm not usually offended but yesterday a co-worker made a comment about how my almost-two-year-old said the "f" word at daycare.  (For the record, I shared a story about how Casey dropped the f-bomb at school a few weeks back.  Casey has said this word twice; once at home and once at school and has no clue what the word means)  

"At least my kid doesn't say fuck" was the comment.

I KNOW that I'm not The World's Best Parent.  I also do not swear around my children because I know they are like sponges with EVERYTHING-- they pick up words and phrases in an instant.  My daughter using a foul word is not cute either.  Its gross when kids swear, as well as adults. So, when this co-worker made that comment, I felt like he was intentionally trying to make me look bad; as though I don't care about how my kids behave.

The moral to the story is to choose your words wisely-- whether you are around little kids or co workers, be cognizant of how words can affect others.

I stayed home from work yesterday.  I went to bed feeling like I was getting a head cold, and woke up with some awesome phlegm, so I opted out of being an adult for the day.  AND, I took my kids to daycare.  Does that make me a bad person?  NO.  I literally putzed around in my sweats, folded laundry and caught up on my DVR'd shows.  (#bestdayever minus the headache/phlegm)

So here we are FRIDAY.  Thank you Lord Jesus in the manger.  The weather is gorge outside and I think we have finally kicked winter.  I'm praying that my poor perennials will end up healthy despite Mother Nature's awful PMS and bi-polar attitude.

The schedule dictates that I should be writing about strong women or a strong woman.  There are just so many.... how can I choose?  Oh.  That's right.  I just remembered that I was going to jot down some ideas about Mike Pence; every woman's favorite man.

In case you live on Jupiter, Mike Pence, Governor of Indiana,  has recently made headlines because of recent legislation the would further restrict abortion in Indiana.  Pushed by Pence, this makes Indiana only the second state to prohibit a woman from seeking an abortion because her fetus was diagnosed with a disability.  Calling this a "comprehensive pro-life measure that affirms the value of all human life," women (and men) around the US are reacting in unusual ways.

ENTER --> Periods for Pence.  Organized by an anonymous women to raise awareness about the ridiculousness of the Governor's new law,  she invited women across the country to call Pence's office and discuss their menstrual cycles.  The outpouring (no pun intended) of support has been outstanding.  

The captain of the Period Ship is quoted saying, "Let's make our bodies Mike's business for real, if this is how he wants it."  I love a verbal uprising like this.  Plus, no MALE will be telling me what to do with my body.  Period (lol).

If I were Mike Pence, I'd run... not walk... to get that law reversed.  The backlash has been nothing short of crazy.  Off the record, I literally can't even tolerate the amount of bullshit that is coming out of this guy's mouth.  He doesn't have a vagina, has never had a period, experienced a pregnancy, miscarriage or childbirth and thus, he can't steer the course of what women are to do with their bodies.  I CHOOSE.  

"Fertilized eggs can be expelled during a woman's period without a woman even knowing that she might have had the potential blastocyst in her. Therefore, any period could potentially be a miscarriage without knowledge. I would certainly hate for any of my fellow Hoosier women to be at risk of penalty if they do not 'properly dispose' of this or report it. Just to cover our bases, perhaps we should make sure to contact Governor Pence's office to report our periods. We wouldn't want him thinking that THOUSANDS OF HOOSIER WOMEN A DAY are trying to hide anything, would we?"

After ANOTHER 4:30 AM wake-up call from my second born, I'm looking like I've been shagged backwards in a hedge.  No amount of coffee is helping my eyelids stay up.....  Due to the lack of sleep, I've upped my makeup game to fool the world..... or maybe just fool myself.

The best way to appear awake and refreshed (when you're really hungover or tired or not feeling well) is with CONCEALER.  

1.)  Start with a freshly cleansed and moisturized face.  Get all that yesterday's-mascara garbage out from underneath your eyes.  

2.)  Brush your teeth and follow up with a healthy dose of balm.

3.)  Apply primer, a BB/CC cream or whatever you put underneath your foundation.  Not applicable?  No problem.  Let's get in there with the concealer.....

I love blending Maybelline's Fit Me Concealer with Bare Minerals Well Rested Face & Eye Brightener.  Together they add the perfect amount of sheen.

4.)  Top concealed areas (I also conceal between and above the brows and sides of nose) with a brightening loose powder.  I love Laura Mercier's Brightening Loose Powder.  Not sparkly, not glittery.... just right.

5.)  Bronzer.  Your second best friend when feeling/looking haggered.  A sun-kissed look will fool anyone into thinking you've slept 10 hours.  Sides of forehead, just below apples of cheeks and underneath the jaw....  use a light hand and build as necessary.  DON'T CAKE THAT STUFF ON.... that looks gross.

NYX's Matte Bronzer in Light or Benefit's Hoola are AWESOME shades for light to medium complexions.

Curl your lashes, slap on some mascara and you're all set.  If you're in dire straights, hit up your local coffee joint and get a 32 oz. espresso and do some meth; at that point you'll be on cloud nine.

The only current event(s) worth sharing today is two-fold:

1.)  I set my alarm to wake at 5 AM so I could have some quiet time, drink coffee, fold laundry and catch up on an episode of DVR'd garbage.  Did that happen?  No. Casey decided to wake up at 4:45.  Mickey Mouse Clubhouse trumps Southern Charm.

2.)  Just as we are about to walk out the door (in an already chaotic rush), Casey decides to fill her diaper with awesomeness.  Cool.  I change her on the couch, put her pants back on and off we go.  Oh wait.  My keys fell out of my jacket pocket onto the couch.  I reach for them and see a rogue turd on the cushion.  Yes.  Poop.  High five.

Working and parenting is fun.  Never a dull moment.  The calories start getting burned at 0-dark-100.

Mondays are typically dedicated to me bitching about some various thing, whether it be a rude cashier at Target or someone cutting me off in the Dunkin' Donuts line.  Fortunately, neither of those things happened to me this morning......yet.......  So, I'm going to turn the tables.

My dad came into town this weekend for his monthly appearance.  To make things extra special, I arranged for Dad to pick the kids up from daycare.  Since my parents live four hours away in Detroit, visits from Meme and Pepe (grandma and grandpa en francais) are ALWAYS SPECIAL and super exciting for the kids.

Beau and Casey were literally levitating with joy all weekend.  Costco is our favorite place to go with Pepe since he really enjoys walking through every aisle and asking the kids questions about what they like, don't like, etc.  And what would a Costco trip be without scoring a foot-long hot dog?

I feel incredibly blessed that I not only have two healthy parents, but that my parents are such an important part of my kid's lives.  Just as I had great relationships with my grandparents, my children will be blessed with same connection.  #mycuprunnethover

Friday's posts are dedicated to strong women.  Who better to talk about than Melissa McCarthy?  The buzz surrounding her is fierce-- apparently there will be a Gilmore Girls reboot.  I never watched that show but my little sister did and apparently it is as good as Friday Night Lights.  Doubtful.  #timriggins 

You may have seen her in Bridesmaids, Mike & Molly, Tammy, This Is 40 or Saturday Night Live.  Melissa has been nominated and awarded a Primetime Emmy, received an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actress AND she has a college degree.  Yep.  She is educated.

MM is a hometown hero.  Born and raised in a suburb outside of Chicago, this chic is Midwestern through and through.  I think what is most intriguing about Melissa McCarthy is her comedic style.  She has this awesome ability to not crack character.  Laugh out loud, physical humor and side splitting type stuff.....  all things awesome.

And let's not forget that this chic is real.  She makes no apologies for being a size larger than a 0.  Melissa is a wife and a mother above all and works very hard to set a good example for her children.  (I'm talking like I know this chic personally)

“I could eat healthier, I could drink less. I should be learning another language and working out more, but I’m just always saying, ‘Ah, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.'”

She would much rather enjoy the present moment than to worry about future consequences, and we can’t blame her for that! As long as she remains as radiant and glowing as she is now, nothing can get her down. - Rolling Stone Magazine.

Rock on Melissa, ROCK ON.

I have been described as many things.  I am well aware of my "isms" and idiosyncrasies; some of which I love and some that I am learning to love.  Passionate, energetic, a tornado of activity, restless, funny, witty..... zesty.  Yes folks, ZESTY.  Lerv that word.

What does "zesty" mean to you?  I used to think "being zesty" meant sassy and mildy sarcastic (I am also those things).  In actuality, I embrace my personal zest (flair, if you will) as a means of taking on life with enthusiasm.  I'm naturally social and excited in new situations.  I don't shy away from meeting new people and taking on new experiences.

The Huffington Post had an interesting short about a guy that travels around the world, dancing in front of a camera.  Yes, that's right.  DANCING.  He meets strangers along the way to teach him new moves.  Definition of ZEST.  This dude has serious flair and is absolutely taking on life as an adventure.

Are you bringing zest to the table?  If not, below are a few key elements to making life a little more awesome:

1.  ENTHUSIASM.  Be excited about stuff.  I get excited (raise my voice, dance around and clap) when my kids do funny and positive things.  The kids in turn, laugh and start dancing.  Win-win.  In an office environment, nobody likes Debbie Downer.  Get pumped and laugh -- it will translate into your work.

2.  SAVOR MOMENTS.  This is a toughy.  I struggle with this.  Life flies by.  Take a few minutes each day to go outside, take several deep breaths and find the beauty around you.  This time of year yields colorful flowers, newly green grass and birds chirping away.  How could that not make you happy, or at least smile?

3.  EAT A LITTLE BETTER.  Junk food will make you feel like junk.  FACT.  Don't eat tons of gross food-- it will zap your energy and make your gut rot.  Healthy food makes you feel better and energized.

4.  SOCIALIZE with quality people.  Apples don't fall far from the tree.  Surround yourself with positive and engaging people that lift you up.

Grab life by the balls and go for it.

I've bitched about my hair before.  What would best describe my weave -- thin, fine, incapable of growing and best-in-a-ponytail pretty much hits the nail on the head.  Any time anyone has ever complimented me on my hair has been when a.) I have a shitload of hairspray/product in it and JUST styled it or b.) at my wedding when it was professionally manipulated into awesomeness.

I'm always trying new things and techniques to up my hair game.  I received a sample of Nexxus' Pro-mend Split End Daily Shampoo, Conditioner and Leave-In Treatment.  (If my hair can't ever be full and thick and delicious, there is still hope for amazing shine and softness.)

Shampoo and Conditioner:  Both smelled wonderful!  The shampoo lathers nicely and rinses clean.  The conditioner moisturized just enough and didn't leave that heavy, greasy feeling.  Because my hair is fine, I was concerned about the products weighing my hair down or leaving a residue-- they did not.

Leave-In Treatment:  I followed the directions on the package, which was to apply to damp hair (after cleansing and conditioning).  I towel-dried my mane, applied a dime/nickel sized amount to mostly the ends (where the split ends mostly occur).  I followed with the John Masters' Deep Scalp Follicle Treatment & Volumizer For Thinning Hair (that was a mouthful) at the scalp.  Blow drying with a round brush, I noticed that the ends of my hair felt "tacky" and tangly until I was completely finished.  

Once done, the ends did not seem noticeably softer, or "finished" per say.  I am in desperate need of a haircut, so I'm not sure if this product is ideal for where my hair is in the trim cycle (getting trimmed every 3 months).  Overall, I would not recommend this particular product for my type of hair.  

It's a two-for-Tuesday.  Mondays I typically air out some disgust or annoyances and Tuesdays are dedicated to current events.  I'm going to merry the two:

National news.  Hmmm.  What is truth and what is fabricated?  I accept that interesting news needs something to hook you-- death, dismemberment, extortion, heck.... a cool story about gender reassignment surgery.  Whatever is headlining that day in ANY publication needs some eye grabbing sparkle.  Obviously, to make something sparkle, you need a little glitter.  But not all that glitters is gold.

My husband believes that there is not ONE newspaper, news channel or media outlet that tells 100% of the facts.  So, he is boycotting all forms of news.  I asked him how he was to get informed of current events.  His response was "I don't care anymore because its all bullshit."  Normally, I just walk away in instances like that to avoid a debate (when I don't agree) but there may be a shred of truth in that.

Fox News, CNN..... they play the left and the right.  Local news is just gun violence (which I have mentioned a million times).  So where is one to get informed?  I'm peeved by citizens that walk around in a daze of ignorance; not caring what is going on in the world around them HOWEVER, I kinda get it now.  

I'm so OVER the political rat race.  I'm even more over the ludicrous comments that local officials spew into the news.  What has almost put me over the edge are taglines regarding molested children/children being murdered, assaulted, etc.  OVER IT.  

I made it.  It's Friday.  Thank you baby Jesus in the manger.  I don't know if it was the rain all week or the general hum-drums of late winter/early spring, the past five days have been a stinker.  My friend Olaf always seems to post encouraging messages (on Facebook) at just the right time....  ya know..... when you need a break from staring at a hotel blueprint so you check Facebook..... and see something funny or interesting?  Yeah.  That's Olaf.  Thanks friend:)

Another needle that I found in the haystack of life is above-- check it out.  THIS SO SPEAKS TO ME.  Sometimes ya gotta dig deeper.