Ohhhh, you really thought you were the center of the universe? Poor thing.

I'd like to rant a bit about self centered people and how I have no place for them in my life.  This species of people are very interesting to me and serve as a constant source of bewilderment.  You probably know one-- the person that can turn any situation into their problem.  Example below:

You:  "Hi Bob.  I can't come into work today because I broke my arm hanging Christmas lights."

Them:  "No problem Dave.  I actually broke my arm, too.  I didn't do it hanging Christmas lights though.  I was saving a kitten from a burning house as well as a litter of puppies, and I fell out of 19th story window."

You:  "Alrighty then."

Yep.  You know one of those.  Some people also call this phylum "Johnny One Ups," or in my vocab.... Thunder stealers.  Anyhoo, my point is that Thunder stealers (TS) need to shut it and move on.  Some way or another TS' need to come to their own conclusion that the world's axis doesn't have their initials on it.

In better news, I put up our Christmas tree yesterday.  Good riddance.  Only a few days before Christmas..... Chris said it's a waste of time but I STRONGLY disagree.  You must have a tree for Santa to know where the presents go.  Please follow the timeline of events:

Christmas lights on a house = road map for Santa to figure out where to drop off toys.  If you don't have a house or Christmas lights, a simple mental note passed on via ESP works as well.

Christmas tree = where to put the toys for the boys and girls and puppies

Reindeer = a natural Hemi that Santa uses to get around

I know I'm not getting any presents from Santa this year because he and Jesus made my wedding day awesome AND Kasia wakes up soft every day which is like the gift that keeps on giving.

Piggybacking on Carrie's idea to play the "What If I Won the Lottery Game:"

If I won a gazillion dollars this is what I'd do, in no specific order:

1.  Pay off my students loans as well as my siblings, Katie Whorf's and Kevin Maloy's.  Lord knows medical school debt is similar to the Greek economy.

2.)  Pay off my parent's house, my house, Carrie and Dave's house.

3.)  Hire a serious contracting/landscaping crew to give my mom a kick ass kitchen, and a sweet sanctuary backyard (that looks like Kihei beach with a giant pool).

4.)  Pay off Carrie's medical bills from when Greta was borked.  I will also use additional funds to find the doctor that hurt Greta and Carrie and give her a vaginal injury that will make her pee her pants forever and have constant diarrhea.

5.)  Take my entire ohana on a sweet vacay to either the British Virgin Islands or Park City, Utah.

6.)  Buy two vacation homes, one in Michigan on a lake and one in the woods in Colorado.

7.)  Buy Doug E Fresh the hot yellow sexpanther Corvette he's always wanted.  For good measure, I'll have a Canadian flag decal thrown on the hood.

8.)  Hire a personal trainer to have at my house everyday.

9.)  Build a house that looks like the one below:



Fantasy by Britney

I just read my twin sister's blog and since I'm the younger of the two, I'm going to copy her.  Following my answers, I will gab about another subject.  So, hold on to your britches.

A. Age – 32 years old but wish I was 27.  27 was a fun year.

B. Bed size – King.  Although the the largest (aside from a California King) in size for a mattress, when you add in one regular sized human, a carpenter human with big muscles and a furbaby that weighs 70lbs., King don't mean shit.  I need one of those magic beds that's a giant circle.

C. Chore that you hate – Sweeping.  Since Kasia sheds her weight every single day, I sweep constantly.  Constantly.  Then, when I'm done sweeping, more hairs have fallen to the floor and need to be swept. 

D. Dogs – Kasia Lokelani Willis was borged on January 13, 2010.  We bought her at a bait shop for $100.  Hers was one of seven in the litter; they all looked different.  I think Kasia's mom was a whore.  She is soft with soft ears and is nice.  Kasia loves peanut butter, peanut brittle and having her inner thighs scratched (like a whore).

E. Essential start to your day – Shower.  I don't wake up unless I shower.  Also, there are people I work with that clearly DON'T shower in the morning and their hair always looks jacked.  Always.

F. Favorite color – Black and plaid.  Yep.  Plaid.  Well, black looks good on everyone and is very slimming.  Plaid is great because it can make something drab turn to fab.

G. Gold or silver – Both.  I have a white gold wedding ring (or rings since I have two.  BAM.)  Gold looks cool when accessorized appropriately; and by appropriate I mean NOT with whoreish jean shorts, high tops and/or tapered sweatpants and lots of thumbrings.

H. Height – 5'4".  I wish I was shorter and thinner.  Little women are cute and look young no matter what.

I. Instruments you play – I whistle like a motherfucker.  Just ask Adrienne.

J. Job title – Crappy sales person.  I'm not going to elaborate.  However, I am an awesome domestic wife.

K. Kids – None.

L. Live – Woodridge, IL but wish I lived closer to my siblings or my parents.  If it were a perfect world, I would live in Colorado, preferably Winter Park or Vail.... not Denver.

M. Mother’s name – Jan. Boom.

N. Nicknames – Jennietimes.  Ja-nay-nay.  "Hey" or "Babe" is what my husband calls me.  My mom calls me Juniper.

O. Overnight hospital stays – None.  I have had outpatient things where nurses practically EJECT you out of your bed, like that show "Remote Control" on MTV in the 80s.

P. Pet peeves – Unwaxed eyebrows, gross fingernails, people that chew with their mouth full, the words ain't, gots none, fusstrated and sa-pose-ub-lee.  I also can't stand shitty drivers, Nickelback, people that flick off the camera when in a picture (while sticking their tongue out), circus peanut candies, non-Tootsie roll flavored Tootsie Rolls, people that think they know everything, people that hate gay people and openly talk about it, non-voters.......

Q. Quote from a movie – "What seems to be the problem here?"  - Ben from The Family Stone, and anything from Steel Magnolias and Shag.

R. Right or left handed –Right

S. Siblings – 3 biological, 2 by marriage and one because Katie Whorf is cool.

T. Time it takes you to get ready – If getting jazzed up one hour.  If it's a sweat pants day, 3 minutes.

U. Underwear – My husband will argue with me on this one however, I like boat tarps.  Big ones that offer a zero wedgie tolerance.

V. Vegetable you hate – I like all veggies.

W. What makes you run late – When I'm running out the door and Kasia is giving me sad eyes and tells me I dont love her.

X. X-rays you’ve had – Right foot, right thumb, jaw, right hip, right wrist.

Y. Yummy food you make – Baked pasta, pork Ohana, any soup, cereal.

Z. Zoo animal – all baby animals are softies and cute.

OK, on to the real beeswax.  It is officially December and there isn't a GD sprikkle (thats right, sprikkle) of snow on the ground.  I am going to conclude today's blog with a montage of gorgeous snowy landscapes.  Feel free to turn on Hall & Oates at this time for further viewing pleasure.



Stuffed cabbage

Happy Hallerdays.  That's right.  Hallerdays.  That's how you say it if you were a redneck.



Christmas is my most favorite holiday ever.  Halloween used to be my fave, but since we have been shafted several years in a row with less than 4 trick-or-treaters, I'm throwing in the towelie.  Halloween was #1. Halloween lost it-turned in his wings. Christmas is number one.

Chris and I paid a visit to Carrie, Dave and Greta Fat Pants this past weekend.  Our motivation was two-fold to travel south.  1.)  Dave requested that Chris put his Holmes on Homes skillz to the test and build a bad ass closet. (you can check that sonnabitch off the list) 2.)  hold Greta fat pants  and c.)  decorate their front entry for the Hallerdays.  So, as you can see, Chris and I had our work cut out for us.

The closet turned out awesome.  I'm amazed at how talented my husband is.  Literally, he makes Mike Holmes look like the tooth fairy.  Chris can fix anything and does such awesome wood work.  Love him.



I intended to bring a large bunch of curly willow for their entryway but, forgot it.  Damn.  Instead, I hit up the local Menards and bought some contrasting faux greens to add to their existing pine garland.  Below are the steps to decorating a doorway effectively for Santa to find your house:

1.)  Use screws or nails around the perimeter of the entryway being decorate.  Three along the top and one on each side should suffice.  These points will be used for securing the garland/willow branches.

2.)  Find the middle point of the garland being used and attach at the top point of the doorway.  You can do this by using "floral wire" or any light gauge wire.  Sidenote:  Whimps use gloves for this, but I recommend bare hands.

3.)  Loosely swag (to each corner point of the door) the garland over the door.  It will fall naturally to the ground.  To create a more romantic/rustic look, allow the garland to pool on the ground.

4.)  Using that same wire, secure the garland on the corner points and sides.  You don't want wind to blow away your masterpiece.

5.)  Once the draping is complete, take a step back and ensure the door looks even.  Go back through and "fluff" the garland.  This is necessary when using fake stuff since the wires get bent in storage.

6.)  After the fluffing, take out the Christmas light Clark.



7.)  This year, Carrie had white lights to use.  After a quick test run, we plugged them into the appropritate power source.  Find the middle of the light strand and secure that to the apex of the door (where there is a screw or nail).  With the middle being hung, you can fish the lights through the garland.

8.)  To complete the look, use large shatterproof ornaments, ribbons and accents to dress it up.





Very southern style-- lots of shit





There you have it.  Christmas.  Boom.  Oh, I almost forgot.  Carrie, Greta and I capped off our Hallerday decorating marathon with a screening of the film Prancer. Awesome.  Recommend.

"Something magical is about to happen."



Jump kicks and Shaggin'

I just got the link to our wedding photos!  I wish I could copy all of them and post to this blog, but since the pictures are all copyrighted I can't.  Boo.  I'll you what-- they're freakin' awesome.  Deborah (like, Photos by Deb from Napoleon Dynamite) the photographer did a great job!  She was like a magical wood nymph, floating around us the day of the wedding, snapping pics left and right, but yet, no one knew she was there.  Magic.



So I've spent the greater part of this morning looking over the photos, over and over again, reliving the best day of my life.  Literally, the best day.  Everything turned out to be so awesome.  The flowers, the hair/makeup/Spanx, the food, the reception, the awesome dance tunes.  Awesome. 

After the wedding I told Chris that we're only celebrating anniversaries-- no more birthdays.  Seriously, as rad and expensive as the wedding was and the general level of "fun-ness," we shall never forget it and always cherish it.  Marriage is way more challenging to meet year after year, whereas birthdays just breeze by like a fat person crop dusting in a Wal-Mart.



The hobbitt in our lives turned 6 months old yesterday.  Miss Greta Fat Pants is practically a teenager.  I remember when she was first hatched, like a lone unicorn in the forest.

She was the cutest stinker in the NICU.  She was so cool that she had to wear her sunglasses at night.  Please note Miss Cleo (the purple puppy with the pink blankie) taking security duty very seriously.  Greta had magical monkey fur on her that was very soft.













As Greta hits her stride at 6 months, she has developed quite the little personality.  More like her dadda, Greta definitely is an observer.... unlike her mom and Auntie Jennie, being super outgoing and loud.  Altough, Greta does make a lot of pteradactly noises.





Living in the hood

For those of you that didn't know me or the rest of the Monforton Ohana back in the day, here's a little education.  The three Mofo girlies were born in the D-- straight up.  Detroit Rock City.  Joey, the oldest was borged in the Land of Polygamy.  That's right.  14 wives?  Yes sir.  Salt Lake Shitty. 

Hailing from the D, our neighborhood was nice (from what I remember).  Grosse Pointe (the "nice" part of the Detroit area) was literally across the street from our house.  In 2nd grade, my parents relocated the crew over to Bloomfield Hills.  This is where it gets tricky.

For whatever reason, I blame ignorance and general snobbery, people like to brag about where they're from, especially when there's some wealth in that particular hood.  I didn't realize this until high school however, Bloomfield Hills is a nice hood.  There have been films shot there, with lots of large homes, fancy cars, etc.



Essentially, BH is the creme de la crem if you know what I'm throwing down.  I believe a majority of Bloomfield's wealth was attributed to the car companies (and the execs of the Big Three that squatted there).

So here were are present day.  The greater Chicago land area.  Lots of nice towns.  Lots of people.  Here we go again..... a run-in with one of those ignorant people bragging about where he lives and how rich it is.  Go fuck yourself.  Really?  I wanted to interject this dude's monologue and let him know what's really up.  Fool.

To me, a nice area is a place to raise your family; a place with sidewalks to walk your dog and ride bikes.  As far as I know, and based on all the traveling I've done, I can pretty much say that no place in the Midwest will ever stack up to the cost of homes/living on either coast.  New York, San Fran, Seattle, etc.  I should go tell that guy that Elmhurst, IL is freaking Cabrini Green compared to some other places.

*The scariest movie ever, CANDYMAN, was filmed at Cabrini Green...... an old apartment complex in the city of Chicago, which has now been torn down*



soft spikes and raggies

I'm so pumped to be seeing my niecelet, Miss Greta Fat Pants this weekend!  Carrie (Greta's mom) usually sends a picture each morning to indicate the following items:

1.)  Greta's outfit of the day
2.)  Greta's hair viscosity and general range of volume
3.)  Greta's morning activity, usually bouncing or sitting in her Bumbo (morning reflection)

Greta's pic-o-the-day makes my morning.  No more does coffee do the trick; a snap of Fat Fat with a slight easterly mohawk wakes me up.



The resources above indicate the shear tenacity and overall volume of Greta's weave.  It would be pretty sweet if Carrie taped a bow or some shit on that...... Greta however, don't like no shit in her weave.  Bam.

I'd also like to mention that Greta doubles as a squirrel whisperer.



She whispers the squirrels into her tractor beam so her furbaby sisters can kill them.  Highly effective.

Nashville

I have been absent from the blogging world due to my recent nuptials.  Leading up to the wedding, the actual wedding day and post wedding fatigue has combusted and morphed into me being an irresponsible writer.  Sorry.  OK, now that we're all over that, let's move onto other, more important things.  CHRISTMAS.



Hark!  The celebration of the birth of Christ and Lifetime Television's run of Christmas movies always puts me in a good mood.  There are however, many things that aren't joyeux noel regarding Christ's big birfday.  Below is a list of my Christmas pet peeves:

1.)  The shopping idiots that wear those lame-ass Santa hats.  It's borderline perpitraiter.



2.)  People that think that Christmas is just about shopping.  (see above)

3.)  Dumb Christmas-related snowflake and/or penguin tops..... as well as earrings that look like ornaments.



4.)  I would like to explain item #3..... its acceptable to wear a cool, old school skiing/Nordic sweater.  Snowflakes accompanied by the tag Nordica, Rossignol or Tecnica are totally legit.

Clay Aiken singing Christmas carols should be outlawed OR given to patients that suffer from constipation.  It'll cause diarrhea REAL fast.



5.)  Acceptable Christmas music can include Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson and anything from a children's choir.

6.)  Shitty Christmas lights on a house.  Have a little respect people.  Seriously.  Throwing on a coat and mittens, going outside and literally SLAPPING lights on your house isn't cool.  Actually, the people across the street to take a few lessons from me.  The picture below is what NOT to do:

Keep things tasteful people.  Come on.......  Above indicates several different mediums.  Stick with one style and one color of lights.  If you like color-- bang it out people..... just keep all the lights the same size in bulb persuasion.  Below is a tasteful example of a lovely house at Christmas:



Clearly, this house is done tastefully.  Stick with simple and classic Christmas decor.... no one wants to see glitter, moving Santas and reindeer that are way smaller than lifesize.  Now, let's open Pandora's Box and discuss indoor decor.