Kayaking the Chattahoochie

Reporting live from the sickest Hampton Inn in all of North America.  Seriously.  Gross.  I'll put it to you this way:  all rooms access from outside.  Can you say RAPE?  As I was checking in, I did a quick perimeter glimpse (Ass-kickin' police chics do this on Dateline) to get some bearings.  After realizing there were no interior rooms (access from inside the hotel) I, in the most bitchy tone of voice I could muster, said "please tell me this is not an outdoor-access only hotel."

"Yes ma'am.  There are lots in the south."  Bullshit Andre, loser hotel manager with a horrible haircut. 

And so goes the inner monologue:

There is no fucking way that I would participate in any hotel perk situation involving outdoor-only access.  Can you say "MOTELS across from strip joints are outdoor access only?!?"  I can see my face plastered on the Chattanooga News in the morning....."Jennie Monforton of Woodridge, IL gets brutally beaten after homeless man kicks in hotel room door."  Awesome.

So, here I am; able to open my hotel room door and see the freakin' parking lot.  I think I'll just turn on Judge Judy, break open a bag of Cheetos and sip on a 32oz. Mountain Dew to celebrate my temporary dwellings.

On a happier note, my little niecelet will be hatched tomorrow!  Carrie is getting induced sometime in the morning and Greta will HOPEFULLY arrive in a non-vaginal tearing manner.  I trust that Carrie and Dave produced a chubby blonde wood nymph, complete with baby mohawk.

Also hitting the airwaves--- another season of Celebrity Rehab.  For all you reality show junkies out there, this show is like the creme de la creme of tv crap.  Not to mention, Dr. Drew is completely hot.  I have no idea who has been cast for this season of CR however, I hope and pray we can see a boy band has been, an overweight-once-hot model and of course, some sitcom star from the 80s.



Lots of good things to look forward to.  Speaking of looking, the anchormen on the Chattanooga News at 7 look like they're stuck in 1991.  True story.

To change directions for a minute, I would like to update my followers on the whole gluten-free wave I've been surfing.  I read a book a few months ago about the whole GF craze.  Completely skeptical, I gave the book's message a Mofo try.  11 pounds lost, no more stomach aches and ALOT less bloated.... I recommend going GF for at least 2 weeks to see how you feel.

Puppies 101 was on Saturday morning.  Kasia and I watched it.  I want another puppy..... actually, I want a whole gaggle of puppies.  All kinds.  All sizes.  All levels of softness.  Even though Kasia is 1 1/2 years old, she is still my little unicorn princess.  She will always be soft and nice and snuggly.

Birdfeeders and Lemondrops

I drove to St. Louis on Tuesday for work.  Apparently there are portions of the city that have been recently ravaged by tornadoes.  Since Alabama and Joplin, MO have gotten all the press for shitty weather, tornado-stricken towns outside of the F-5 experience have been placed on the back burner.  It was so strange-- along the highway, every other house was completely leveled.  Do tornadoes pick and choose people's lives to turn upside down while wiping away all their material possessions? 

Adding to the above comments, Chris and I watched "Tornado Rampage 2011" on the Discovery Channel last night.  I gotta throw props to the crazy-ass lunatics that pull out their handycams as a massive funnel cloud approaches from 5 feet away.  Maybe they have already come to grips with their mobile home being left in ruins as the seconds tick by?  Darrell Warren of Tuscaloosa grew huge balls while videotaping a horrific tornado pass OVER his apartment complex.  What a moron. 

If a tornado siren went off around here, you can bet your bottom dollars that Kasia (along with her most prized stuffed animal, Cherry) and I would be in the bathtub, holding one another for dear life. 

Great news on my soon-to-be-borged-niecelet!  Baby Greta is scheduled to leave her baby apartment this coming Tuesday!  I can't wait to meet her.  I hope she has a sweet baby mohawk and doesn't look like a baby squirrel post-hatching.  Most of all, I want her to be a tad on the peanut-buttery-porky side so I can give her good neck and legs kisses.

I have advised Carrie and Dave to leave the hospital with Greta sporting either a magical cape and/or being swaddled in something similar to macrome. 

Overalls

Long absence.  My apologies.  My blog was down.  Nothing really new to report however, I'd like to bring to light the following:

1.  Carrie and Dave's baby girl (in Carrie's uterine baby apartment) hath not hatched.  Baby Greta is not done cooking in the ole' oven.

2.)  Apparently Memorial Day stirs that inner fashionista deep within all of us.  I saw three pairs of overalls-- all rocked by morbidly obese women with their underwear hangin' out.

3.)  Kasia has taken up nighttime residence on my head.  Literally.  She climbs into bed with Chris and I, does a few laps around our bed, then plops her hairy self down RIGHT next to my head.  It actually works out perfect because I have linear reach to her soft ears; rubbing them makes me fall fast asleep.

4.)  I have never been a tried and true supporter of energy drinks.  No thanks to Rosanna Sennstrom for her forceful purchasing of Jager-bombs at Ballydoyle two years ago, I thought I had sworn off the stuff.  One sip and it brings me right back to being hung over at the Brookfield Zoo and smelling the paciderm house.  HOWEVER.... Saturday evening Phil Munch encouraged I try Monster Rehab 20 calorie lemonade.  I'm hooked.  Love the stuff.

5.)  After reading several gardening books, surfing the web for flower planting tips and taking several trips to Home Depot to window shop, Chris and I finally landscaped the yard.  We bit the bullet, went for the gusto and bought enough flowers for the entire house.  5 hours later, a mild sunburn and unquenchable thirst brought me to a beautiful yard.  What satisfaction.  I just hope the darn things don't die.

6.)  Kasia has befriended a chipmunk named Felix who is living under our patio.  Felix has managed to make himself quite the home, complete with a dirt elevator and a buffet.  Sometimes, Felix walks up to our sliding glass door (while we're inside) and flicks us off.  Not nice.

7.)  I've been watching the Casey Anthony trial on HLN.  I should've been an investigator.

8.)  Paris Hilton has reared her large head.  Paris' bullshit reality show starts next week.  I know it'll be awesome.

Clogged Terlits

How is it that it's not even June and I have received a batch of poison ivy?

Being a good neighbor, I pulled some weeds next door.  The side of our neighbor's house is totally overgrown and borderline "A Cat House."  Lots of random branches, non-ornamental grasses and dandelions blanket their yard.  Foolishly, I didn't inspect anything I was pulling out.  Normally, I check DILIGENTLY for the 3-leafed variety.  Dammit if I didn't wake up Saturday with itchies on my left wrist.  Shit.

Carrie, my dad and I have a SEVERE sensitivity to poison ivy, poison sumac and Virginia Creeper.  For example, we could be standing 10 feet from mentioned plants and get spots of itchies the next day.  Not to mention, the itchies almost always turn into some weird infection.  Two years ago, my dad had poison oak on his arms and it morphed into an almost out of control staph infection.  Gross.


The World Plant Organization needs to change the name Poison Ivy to Complete Bullshit.

Bikeflags and birdfeeders

Arriving home from work, I follow these steps:

1.)  Open garage, open door to kitchen, greet Kasia and say "make the pee-pee" (signaling to go outside)
2.)  Watch Kasia make the pee-pee and ensure she doesn't run off after a squirrel, neighbor or car
3.)  Call Kasia to me, walk over to newly planted flower seeds and look for new growth
     a.)  At this point, Kasia looks at the ground, then me, then back to the ground
4.)  Turn on hose and spray newly planted areas with water
5.)  While spraying the hose, try and keep Kasia from playing the "The Hose Game"
6.)  Turn off hose, call Kasia into the house
7.)  Walk into house and check perimeter for any post-game toilet paper parades and/or eaten underpants



Once I'm in the house, work bag put away, I feed Kasia.  Feeding Kasia = she goes and gets her Kong toy which is an indication that she wants me to put peanut butter in it ("peanut butter treat").  After some pb hook-up, I can then go into our bedroom and change out of my work clothes without distraction (Kasia likes to steal my socks).

After Kasia eats her Kong surprise duck dong, she then will start to play the infamous "Inside/Outside Game."  This game sucks.  No one wins; everybody loses.

We hung a bell on our back sliding door.  When Kasia has to go out, she has been trained to hit the bell with her paw.  Great concept, shitty execution.  Once going, she will ring the bell 3-7 times until I let her out.  Once out, she will grab the nearest stick and then want in.  This charade continues for at least 10 minutes, the first half of which is mildly funny.  I need a doggy door.  End of story.


The Save-The-Dates went out yesterday.  It's official:  Chris and I are getting married.


6 more months of planning.  I need to win the lottery.

Menudo

After work yesterday I went to the grocery store.  I try and go every week or so (to make sure there is some level of nourishment in the house).  A fridge lacking coffee cream, clementines, grapes and peanut butter (for Kasia's daily "peanut butter treats") is no bueno.  Plus, no food in fridge equals money spent eating out and that's not ideal for anyone trying to save for a wedding.

Perhaps its my weird nature or maybe my zest for people watching, I simply love grocery shopping.  The meat department is an area of the grocery store that I could hang out in and drink beers.  The butcher dude at our local Dominick's is the shizznit.  His name is Bruce (or maybe Donnie) and he is always sharing crockpot recipes with me.  Also, I think he has Jennie radar.

After leaving the produce section, armed with enough citrus magic and bananas to feed a small Ethiopian village, I hit up the MEAT.  Bruce pulled me into his tracter beam immediately and started going on about how beef roast is on sale.  "Seriously, this is the best deal of the week.  A little cream of mushroom soup, some garlic, low and slow all day..... its great."  God Bless the Meat Department.

I'd also like to note that despite my general liking for all things grocery store/food, I do not like poultry.  I'm over it.  It tastes bad almost all the time.  Plus, after seeing "The Vegan episode" of Oprah where they hit up a chicken farm, that pretty much sealed the deal for me.  Also, baby chickens are smooshy and fat and soft and that is all.


You're probably thinking to yourself, "And baby cows aren't cute?"  You're right.  Baby cows are adorable.  (the best episode of "South Park" featured the kids trying to save baby cows from a veal farm)  I don't eat veal.  I'm actually getting past meat all together however, keep in mind that I live with a big, strong, healthy and hungry Polish carpenter that loves food.


Now we have food in the fridge.  Kasia has her peanut butter, I have my grapes and Chris has his meat.  If only Van Halen would reunite and baby Greta would be born, we'd be all good.

The Softies

I think there is something extra magical about my dog.  I mean, she is already magical in a last-unicorn-kind-of-way but, I witness a phenomenon (or, for you trash balls out there, fernominil) every time Kasia comes in from being outside. 

Typically, Kasia's ears smell like a fusion of dog food, outside breeze and dryer sheets.  She will venture outside to do her bidniss (or chase things) and sometimes roll in fecal matter of any assortment.  I call her back inside, give her a kiss, offer a treat (or as we say in our house "bo-treat) and go on our way.  Roughly an hour will lapse, I will seek her out to ensure there isn't snacking on underpants, shoes or having a toilet paper parade.  Once found, I give her an ear rub and a smooch (while smelling her head) and she reverts back to smelling like FABRIC SOFTENER.  WTF.  Does Gain waft from her pores?  Are her puppy hairs really comprised of dryer sheets?  I'm confused and need some medical advice.


I'd like to throw something out there..... "MOB WIVES."  Seen it?  Holy shit.  You must see it.  That is all.  Before watching Mob Wives, try and google "True Life: I'm a Staten Island Girl" just to get a feel for what's to come.  I think the letter "R" has been changed in the Staten Island alphabet.  Gaw-bidge.  Ha (meaning "her").  New Yoke. 

Cheese Egg Souffle

I am going to structure this installment with bullet points instead of paragraphs.  Here goes.....

The Highs and Lows of last week.

Lows
1.  My great uncle Frank died (as noted in my last blog).  There is nothing worse than seeing my Pepe (my grandfather) weep at the foot of his kid brother's coffin.  Nothing.  Worse.

2.  I got a flat tire on the way to the funeral.  Note to truck drivers:  Make sure those rubber strappy things are secured tight to the truck bed or else they fall off and get stuck in people's tires.

3.  The Red Wings lost in Game 7 to San Jose.  They rallied back from being down 3 goals.  I don't care what anyone says, the Wings are awesome.

4.  There is roughly 6 loads of laundry sitting in our bedroom right now.  I'm sure Kasia is gently and oh-so-carefully picking out all of my underwear and socks for a mid-morning snack.

5.  I thought May weather was suppose to involve sunshine?  Maybe I missed the memo indicating that half way through May we would be experiencing 40 degree nights?

Highs
1.  I was in Bloomington, IN for my sister's final baby shower.  It was great to meet Carrie's work friends.  (Her pal Mande is awesome and a great organizer of baby rooms (if anyone wants to hire her)).

2.  Baby Greta's room is finally finished.  With the help of Mande, we put away all of Greta's little clothes (that resemble pot holders and circles of soft material) and staged the furniture. 

3.  This morning I took a gander and tried on a pair of pants that haven't fit in 2 years.  Yahtzee.  Those bitches fit AND they're too big!  I was skeptical at first but I'm beginning to think that a life without gluten is good.
     -I started the gluten-free diet to help with the itchies.  My head would itch, my arms would itch....
      gross.
     -Essentially, I cut out any flour products, oats, barley, rye, pasta, etc.  I do however, eat corn, rice
      and buckwheat.
     -Without the massive amounts of carbs being ingested (and substituted for veggies, etc) I have shrunk.

4.  Kasia's namesake, Kathryn Shannon Whorf graduated from medical school.  Now equipped with a MD from George Michael, I mean George Washington University, KSW can start to kick some hospital ass.  I couldn't be more proud-- Tater Tot is an auxilliary sister to the Mofo Ohana and has worked so hard for this accomplishment!

5.  The Real Housewives of New Joyzee starts tonight.  Holler.  I love me some "gaw-bidge".

Moldy cheese

Pardon my absence.  I took part in a Negotiating Skills class over the past two days and have been without my laptop. 

I have sad news to share with my readers.  My great-uncle Frank passed away Monday morning.  The youngest brother of my grandfather, Frank was also my godfather.  I didn't know him very well however, my grandfather has shared several stories with me over the past few months about Uncle Frank, so I feel somewhat connected to him.  Last week I had the opportunity to travel to Windsor, Ontario with my grandfather to visit Uncle Frank.  I was super nervous, not knowing what to expect.

We had a lovely visit with Frank and his wife Ginny.  Frank was awake and sharing stories about his childhood.  I know he was struggling with discomfort while we were there, but he put on a super brave face.  Cancer had managed to strip Frank of all color in his face but it hadn't succeeded in taking away his humor. 

Pepe and Frank went back and forth for about 45 minutes talking about their old neighborhood.  They also talked about going to the barbershop, playing golf and drinking martinis.  After an hour or so we decided to leave.  Frank needed rest and I was beginning to digest the fact that he probably would be losing his battle in the next few days.  I kissed him, told him I loved him and whispered in his ear that he was "the bravest person I knew" and walked out of the room.

Pepe was very emotional on the car ride home.  I can't imagine what he felt like; seeing his baby brother suffer and know that his days were limited.  I reminded Pepe that Frank was lucky to have such a loving family around him, with people praying for him.  The day he went to Heaven, Frank was surrounded by his four daughters and wife.  What a blessing.

On a brighter note, the Wings have managed to level the playing field.  I don't think that San Jose thought that things would come to Game 7.  Good old Game 7.  3-3.  If the Wings can play like they did on Tuesday, we have it in the bag.