40-Year-Old-Virgin Bike Riding Montage

Picture this:  The theme from "Greatest American Hero" playing in the background or some saxophone montage music from an 80's movie (St. Elmo's Fire is applicable) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKtCcWnAjl4   the wind in my hair, bikeflag streaming behind my 1997 model Bianchi mountain bike.....  I'm considering riding my bike to work after the baby is born.  Now, let's be real.  I'll have to be cleared from the doctor to exercise.  The weather must be favorable.  My bike needs a tune-up and some other accessories to accommodate such a trek.

It's roughly 17 miles to my office (Woodridge to Itasca).  I looked on Google Maps:
https://maps.google.com/maps?saddr=6001+Perry+Drive,+Woodridge,+IL&daddr=1140+West+Bryn+Mawr+Avenue,+Itasca,+IL&hl=en&ll=41.876208,-88.05336&spn=0.33437,0.439453&sll=41.87612,-88.042425&sspn=0.33437,0.439453&geocode=FR55fQId3n_A-ilHag7sVlAOiDEMfSucXIasEQ%3BFcd9gAId0sjA-ikprqAC560PiDFwD8cJvIR1QQ&oq=1140+West+Bryn+Mawr+Ave,+Itas&t=h&dirflg=h&mra=ls&z=11

17 miles is totally possible.  Chris and I have biked for a couple of hours on a few occasions.  Additionally, it'll save money on tolls AND most importantly, get my big fat ass into shape.



The complexity comes from leaving early enough in the morning (6 AM) to make it to work by 7:15-ish, with time to shower in the plant's locker room.  I'll have to plan on leaving clothes/bringing clothes to work, as well as a hair dryer and my makeup.  I can totally do this.  If I wasn't 29 weeks pregnant, I'd do it now.

I watched an episode of 48 Hour Mystery last night.  I love that show.  Addictive.  This particular episode was about John Gotti and his family's account of "growing up Gotti."  First let me say that Victoria Gotti needs a makeover.  BIG TIME.  Her fake and way too long brassy blonde hair needs a good cut.  Her makeup is totally outdated (purple eyeshadow and fake green colored contacts are very 1991).



So, John Gotti, according to his kids, was this pleasant dude.  Kind, generous, giving, funny and charismatic.  To the general public, John Joseph Gotti was "Dapper Don" or "Teflon Don"; slippery enough to avoid the grips of the US judicial system.  Acquitted 3 times of murder convictions, JG was finally found guilty and sentenced (to life in prison) for the involvement of the murder of Paul Castellano.

Anyhoo, VG and her 3 sibs (one son died many years ago) seem to think that John "paid his dues."  I'm curious...... DUES.  Does dues = the countless deaths that John Gotti was associated with (either planned, organized, followed through with)?  He wasn't sentenced to death, just life without parole.  I think this will be my thought point of the day.  What dues did JG pay?  What about the victim's families?  Granted, a life of organized crime is a tangled web.  Lots of lies, deceit, cheating, etc.  Does anyone coming from that past ever really come clean?

Okibashi Sandals and Socks

There is a 42oz. bag of Peanut M&M's on my desk.  What does that tell you?  Normally, I'm not a "candy person."  I'm not one to stroll the candy aisle on my weekly grocery trips, ensuring to pick up a bag of this and a pouch of that.  Apparently baby not only likes candy but also Dairy Queen, and thus, huge underpants.

Chris and I walked Kasia over to Dairy Queen last night.  Does that count for exercise?  Once we arrived at the destination, Kasia tried pawing the door open to follow Chris in.  So cute.  She loves her daddy..... but loves me more :)  Chris walked out with a cherry slush for me and a strawberry sundae for himself (and a little spoon to share ice cream with Kasia..... who by the way knows how to eat using a spoon)

On the walk back, we passed our old landlord's house.  I don't know if I've shared our house renting story--  It's hilarious and dreadful all at the same time.  Long story short:  Chris and I decided to move in together a year after dating.  Big step for me, I'd like to say.  We wanted to move to a house--- both of us were DONE with apartment living AND we wanted to get a dog.

Advised to look on craigslist, we did just that.  I found a cheap rental home (close to us) that required some "light remodeling in exchange for a cheaper rent rate.  Sold.  Let's go take a look see.

We pulled up to this shitty ranch house, obviously needing something way beyond  light remodeling.  Upon walking in the door, we were greeted by two obvious things:  a horrible stench of urine and a gentlemen dressed in 1983 clothing.  The landlord and his bitchy ass wife (also stuck in a Winger video from 1983, complete with not cool stretch pants and badly permed hair and WAY too much foundation) agreed to do a one year lease for Chris and I to flip the house in exchange for cheap rent.

A full overhaul later, lots of drywall, blood, sweat, tears and many a flooded basement, we survived 365 days in the Ejector Pit.

Notice my gay pride "I Love Key West" hoodie

Every month, it was painful for the landfamily to repay Chris for materials bought to make living manageable in the hell hole.  They made it sound like they didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.  Flash forward to present day--  The landfamily lives around the corner from us.  Yes sir.  Sitting in a lovely fashion, straddling a wooded lot, lives 1983 and his bitchy wife.  Every so often I walk by to see if they notice me and my kick-ass dog.

OH.  Landbitch also warned me not to get married.  Apparently her 1983 prince charming isn't so hot in his Winger gear afterall.  Well, thats what happens when you totally give up on life, get a perm, strap on some stirrup pants and sport high top Reeboks. 

Irony tastes delicious I tell you.  I have a hot ass husband, an awesome 4-legged daughter of Polish descent, an affordable mortgage, straight and shiny hair, AND no raccoons living in our attic.  Life is good.

Kasia, posing for Glamour Shots, age 5 months

Rotten Cologne on a Monday

It feels like Monday but it's TUESDAY.  Fistpump.  One day closer to another weekend.  Unfortunately, not a another Memorial-Day-3-dayer however, another opportunity to sleep in (or TRY to sleep in).  It is impossible for me to sleep in for the following reasons:

1.)  Kasia Lokelani Willis is like a 3 year old newly introduced to a "big girl bed."  She likes to come into our room, put her nose RIGHT up against my nose (until my eyelids open), and start wagging her HEMI-style tail into the night stand (creating a loud thumbing noise).  Kasia does this 4-5 times throughout the night.  I don't know if this is God preparing me for a new baby come August but, its certainly working. 

2.)  Potty breaks.  I had to pee 4 times between the hours of 8:45 PM and 9:15 PM.  You'd think I had been holding it for HOURS.  Only a trinkle.  Is trinkle a word?  Well, it is now.  Only trinkles come out.  Baby Willis needs to STEP OFF the bladder.

3.)  An endless chore list.  Yes.  Chores.  As a domestic goddess, there is a continuous cycle of laundry, cleaning, sweeping, etc to do.  Chris doesn't clean, unless I beg (which then turns into an argument).  Wait.  I stand corrected.  He helped me load the dishwasher last night.... and to be funny, he put all the clean plates in the fridge.  Sidenote-- Kasia creates a ton of the mess.  Her hairs form hair condominiums in the corners of our home, making it literally impossible for a shed-free space.  If anyone out there has ANY tips on how to overcome shedding dog syndrome, I'm all ears.

Taking full advantage of the past 3 work-free days, Chris and I tackled several projects.  Note, said projects were put into the procrastination pile.  OK, so we finished baby's room.  By finish I mean painted, closet organizer installed and pine paneling put up.

The above picture is a bit shoddy (taken by my now officially retired Blackberry Torch).  We are aiming for a rustic-little-boy's room.  There is a mounted large mouth bass (caught by Chris' uncle), a wooden "Gone Fishing" sign and some old barn stars to be hung on the walls.  Chris' mom will be painting a post on the opposite wall similar to the pic below:



Artistically inclined, Pat will be doing the post in a brown color (to make it look like wood), then doing the destinations using red, dark green and dark blue.  The names on the arrows will be places Chris and I have visited such as Key West, Maui, Gunnison, Winter Park, Park City, Lake Gaston, etc.  So, when its all said and done, Baby Willis will be sleeping in a room (hopefully) like a wooded cabin.

I registered for plaid bedding that is predominantly red and blue, and I'm going to ATTEMPT to make curtains.  I saw this tutorial on Pinterest where you take plain old canvas panels and paint (with wall paint) thick horizontal stripes.  Using the same color as the walls, I think this will be a cute way to tie it all together.

With the HUGE tupperware bin of garage sale scores (compliments of http://themonfortonnorton.blogspot.com/)  I tried to re-organize all of baby's clothes.  0-3 months, 3-6 months, 6-9 months and 9-up.  I'm looking for a dresser/changing table on Craigslist, so I can put all of his clothes (0-3 months) away.  The other stuff went in the closet.  This kid has way more clothes than me.

Since we lost one closet (baby's room), I had to reorganize the other two closets to make room for the other stuff.  Mission accomplished motherf**kers.  I purged 2 huge garbage bags of clothes.  I feel as if I received a free colon cleansing (minus the discomfort).  With the now empty HUGE tupperware bin, I packed away all of the clothes that don't currently fit my big, wide ass and had Chris put them in the crawl space (no basement goddammit).  I WILL WEAR THEM AGAIN.  As God as my witness.

Maybe someday, when we build our dream house, we will have closets to accommodate all of our crap.  Until then, I must stay ahead of the curve and continue to organize.







 

One last VERY IMPORTANT item..... there is someone in our office that is wearing the most HORRIBLE, foul smelling cologne.  No joke.  I think its Joop....  if you don't know what Joop is, google it, then find your nearest toilet/garbage receptacle to barf in.  It's sick smelling and I have no clue why someone might think it smells mildly acceptable.

Slow Traffic in the LEFT LANE

When did it become acceptable for slow-ass Western Chicago suburban drivers to drive 35 m.p.h. in the left lane.  Sorry folks.....  its 7:15 AM, people are commuting to work on I-355 (a toll road, so it's not free), time is of the essence...... move the fuck over.  When someone passes you (having to move to the center lane from the left lane) and they showcase the ole "high and hard" (middle finger) and honk while passing, that is CLEAR indication that you are moving TOO SLOW and need to adjust your position. 

I don't have road rage.  I, simply, don't have time for the horseshit antics that take place on the highway.  Left lane is for faster traffic.  It's a fact.  We learned this in driver's ed.  Common sense.  So, until the said problem has been remedied, I'm keeping MY high and hard on standby for necessary action.

Since it is Air-Your-Pet-Peeves-Day in cubicle #4, I'd like to address something else that almost infuriates me.  People's clothing choice(s) while golfing.  General golf etiquette dictates something a bit different than any other sporting activity.........say..... a pick-up game of flag football.  Flag footballers can wear their underwear and execute in perfectly acceptable fashion.  Golf, well that's a different story.  I don't care if its a goat ranch or Pebble Beach.....  please wear non-jeans and a collared shirt.  Not acceptable?  See below:



This is a great segway into another unacceptable garment choice..... men in jean shorts (of any length).  Jean shorts are a tricky thing to pull off for women..... and simply, off limits for males.  Below are examples of acceptable jean short choices:

Yes.  Jessica Simpson can rock a denim short.  Not acceptable?  See below:

A good rule of thumb for any outfit choice?  If you're rocking short shorts (jean or other material), wear something to cover your top half.  Don't be showing leg and chest/arms.  If you want to wear a skimpy top-- rock it, but wear long pants/jeans.  Keep it classy.  No need to showcase ALL the goods.  And for Heaven's sake....  DON'T wear hot shorts and a bandeau top.... unless you also have on leg warmers, roller skates and something with a rainbow on it.



Lucite Heels

I'm going to try and do something a little different today-- just to shake things up a bit.  By the way, I would LOVE some Red Vines licorice this minute.

A little Q & A:

• Joe Versus the Volcano is the worst movie ever made.  Ever.

• I don't get why bands such as Slipknot, Nickelback and Rise Against are popular.  Their music isn't good. 

• As much as I love rag mags, gossip websites and hot air regarding Jessica Simpson, I don't get why the media thinks the general public is actually concerned about actors' lives.  I don't really care if Megan Fox is allegedly pregnant.

• If I had a tight ass like Megan Fox, I would seriously (no joke) wear a thong bikini.  For real.  I would also wear chaps more often.



• It boggles my mind how those "fitness model" chics get into shape.  Are they born that way?  Even if I had a trainer, delivered meals and better genes, I don't know if it would be possible to look that awesome.





Cool Ranch Doritos

I should have a Food Of The Day.  Today's choice?  Cool Ranch Doritos.  Factually speaking, all Doritos are good.  I haven't tried the new spicy line of D-treats however, I'm sure in the next month or so I'll take a gander at the grocery and purchase some.



Previous Foods of the Day have been Red Vines licorice, cheese and crackers (block cheddar and Wheat Thins), Sugar Babies, Whoppers, Riesens, Chewy Giant Sweet Tarts and pretzels.  Clearly, there is no pattern to the madness.  I am not craving anything particularly-- well, yes, actually I am.  I am craving foods I wouldn't dare eat if I weren't pregnant.  (meaning-- foods to enjoy on a "once-in-a-while" basis)  mmmmm  Sugar Babies sound so good right now.....



I'm looking forward to a 3-day weekend coming up.  The office is closed Monday and since I'm not longer doing air travel, I'm officially a cube mouse.



I don't remember how last year's Memorial Day was spent however, I can pretty much bet that beer was involved.  Alcohol won't be involved this year (on my behalf) however, that 68oz. margarita I have been dreaming about is sure sounding awesome.  The weather is going to be favorable for bathing suits so perhaps I'll post up in the back with the sprinkler?  Shit.  I don't have a bathing suit.

Chris and I have started to deconstruct mammal's room.  It was our "office" before, a.k.a. keeper of all things with no place.  We decided on a theme-- although I HATE themes.  Wedding themes, baby shower themes.... so frickin' stupid.  Baby Willis' room will be....... drum roll...... BOY THEMED.  Yes, that's right.  Shocking I know.

A crib with plaid bedding, wooden signs adorned on the walls, a mounted giant mouth bass, a lighthouse lamp and rocking chair.  A boy's room.  No Mickey Mouse bullshit, Winnie the Pooh crap or "monkey themed" mobiles.  Cripe, I may even throw in a Muppet here or there.  Pretty soon.... he will want to be sleeping out back in a tree house.  Awesome.





Hiccups and Dog Farts

Like clockwork, Kasia wakes me up at 3:00 AM CST to go outside.  I don't know if this is one of her passive-aggressive methods of torture (the other --  being super soft around the ear region in the morning to prevent me from getting out of bed and into the shower = 25 minutes of ear rubbing and snuggling) however, I am EXHAUSTED from said antics.  Antics I tell you.  Then, throw in a lovely set of mammal hiccups from the mammal within around 4:30 AM CST.....  I am one tired lady. 

Last night's sleeping temperature was perfect.  63 degrees F outside makes for a fantastic sleeping nest (windows open, ceiling fan on full borgs)

I'm sure this evening I will be wiped by 6:30 however, I MUST press on due to a good TV lineup on Bravo.  Those Real Housewife Whores sure know how to hold my attention.  Such dimwits, such power.



I'm officially in my third trimester.  Week 28 and pressing forward.  August 12th can't come soon enough.  We've had one really hot day so far, and I wanted to shoot myself.  I refuse to turn on the A/C, too.  If we can have 85 degree days and 63 degree nights, I'll be good to go.  Anything outside of that-- put a fork in me because I'm done.

Favorite hot weather activity pre-pregnancy:

Laying out by a pool or spending the day in the yard doing gardening tasks/playing with the hose

Favorite hot weather activity while with mammal:

Nothing.

Peanuts and Crackerjacks

It's going to be 88 degrees Farenheit tomorrow AND we're going to the Cubs game (it's a night game).  What is God's name do I wear?  Think now........ imagine a blue whale trying to play dress up....... any ideas? 

This is not MTV's Rock 'N Jock softball challenge featuring the Bricklayers versus the Idiots.  This is real life and I have no cute clothes.  Not typically high maintenance, I often find myself staring at the few measily maternity items in the closet-- and can't decide what to wear.  I have work clothes and then Chris' sweatpants.  No sundresses or ANYTHING ideal for an 88 degree summer night.





Is an oversized Cubs jersey acceptable as a makeshift tunic?  If so, I could rock some leggings (a prego chic's best friend) and a pair of flippie floppies.

Let's hope I don't sweat through my boat tarp underpants and make a scene.  Chris will then divorce me on the grounds of "Embarassment."