Panera

No matter what city I'm in (for work), all the Paneras are the same...... by the same I mean the clientele.  This particular morning I'm doing my live broadcast from a Chattanooga Panera, that's right folks, the home of Maci from "Teen Mom."  I haven't spotted her, her loser-baby-daddy or her smooshie son however, I'm holding out hope.  Maci is edgy yet practical, hence the shoulder to shoulder tattoo on her back and willingness to finish her college education despite many hurdles.

FYI-- some chic just walked past me with possibly 4.5 gallons of Circus perfume by Britney Spears.  I just lost my appetite for the rest of the day.  Shit.  Strike one against Chattanooga.

Actually..... let's explore this perfume thing a little deeper.  What is it with people's scents these days?  Was the handbook for olfactory etiquette thrown out the window?  A few helpful hints are below, and please read:

1.)  Gentlemen.... if your cologne smells like women's perfume, don't wear it.  It's not hot, appealing and sure as fuck won't get a girl to "come hither."

2.)  Attention hippy wannabes-- patchouli doesn't smell good.  Hang it up and leave it for all the kiddos twirling on the grassy knoll at Red Rocks for the Widespread show next July.

3.)  Travellers-- sans perfume until you exit the plane.  There could be pregnant ladies with sensitive noses sitting beside you.  Red Door from Elizabeth Arden does not smell good ever, let alone in rows 3A and 3B on United Express flight #456 to Mobile, AL.

4.)  Stick with the basics:  Chanel Chance Tendre, Ralph Lauren Romance, Fresh Sugar Lychee, D&G Light Blue, any Origins scented lotion.  No need to get crazy with the Paris Hilton shit, Britney Spears or Justin Beiber's new wave Electric Puke.  Men-- keep it clean, simple and smelling good.  You can reference my brother in law with any smell questions (he always smells good) or if you're really serious, talk to my Uncle Marty.  He smells awesome.