I forgot to elaborate on my Kohl's story from Friday night, hence the name Full Coverage Underpants. So, since I've become best friends with Macaroni and Cheese, Spaghettio's and Meatballs and all things carbs-related, I've packed on some non-pregnancy related pounds. These extra lbs have caused me to look into new forms of undergarments, a.k.a. undersquares and bras. For all my readers out there, I apologize in advance for what I'm about to say for, it may be graphic and harmful to your eyes.
Already frustrated with my expanding waistline and general-ass-area, I walked into Kohls with a bad attitude. Convinced that nothing fits properly (all things pants related), I combed through everything in the lingerie area of the store. The thought of trying bras on at this point make me want to gag. Then, all of the sudden, there she was.... my little Kohls angel..... Anna Marie.
Decked in orthopedic shoes, elastic/pleated khakis and some Valentines Day earrings, Miss Anna Marie greets me with a "Hello dear. How can I help you today?" For whatever reason, her greeting = floodgates. Almost to tears, I quickly explained to her that I was in my first trimester of pregnancy, no longer in control of my body and generally fed up with being fat.
She immediately took control of the situation ("Being a mother of four dear, I know EXACTLY what you're going through. I am here to help.") Armed with several sizes, colors and fabrics, she got me in a room and stood by the door as I tried on bra after bra. Bless her heart, she was so patient. FINALLY, I found a size and style that worked for me: nude and BIG.
Leaving with confidence, a new set of undergarments and a pep talk from Ms. Kohls Angel, I can now wear clothes comfortably; no wedgies and sports bras for this chic. Let this be a lesson to all you moms-to-be out-there: say good-bye to cute undersquares and dainty whorish bras. The shit won't fit much longer. The additional silver lining was Chris' opinion: "Wow. Nice holsters and boat tarps." There you go.
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