I'm the world's shittiest blogger. Let us not mention my several-day departure from blogging. We can also throw under the bus the fact that I lost my notepad (which I use to jot down ideas for the blog, etc).
I think its best to shape this entry in a High Low High format. I'll tackle some recent highlights, followed by some dumpy times, then bring it in the rear with more happy stuff. Let's begin, shall we?
Highs
Greta. Writing her name should be crack enough. I swear, I literally live for the daily pictures of Greta sent from Carrie's shitty Blackberry. Whether its her baby bird hairs, sweet outfits, or general anatomy shots, Greta is a precious biscuit from every angle. I can't wait to see her again; I know she has packed on the poundage and grown a few millimeters (from all the juice weezing taking place) since the last time I saw her.
Since I'm somewhat cheap and don't know jack about flowers/gardening, I'm super pumped that the seedlings I planted several weeks ago are starting to bloom! Moonflowers, Morning Glorys, Sunflowers and Zinnias have begun to sprout, some of which are growing kick ass vines. These potentially awesome flowers have not only caught my eyes, but the eyes of Felicia the Chipmunk and her dirty, slutty offspring..... I will address this in the LOWS pile. Nonetheless, our flowers don't look as bad as other people's yards: Close your eyes and let your mind wander to someone/anyone in your neighborhood that find it completely normal/appropriate to put FAKE POINSETTIAS in a pot and place it in the MIDDLE of the front lawn? These neighbor-offenders are often caught with crap in their front yard/porch/sideyard; items such as a broke-ass rusty lawnmower, Christmas/Jesus decor and let us not forget the always-awesome half-cocked above-ground-pool. REALLY? How about selling the Fiero and getting some landscaping and a dumpster.
Hudson Robert Bowles. Another baby was borged! One of my two best friends, Melissa Ann Wills Bowles and her life partner, Chadwick of Boston Bowles, birthed baby Hudson last week via C-Section. Gorgeously pink and smooshy, Hudson can now set his sights on my niece, Greta. In 30 years, they will marry and live in the Great Valley with the Star Tree (reference the "Land Before Time" if you're confused).
LOWS
Don't get me wrong-- I'm so pumped to marry Chris in November. He is my best friend, has really soft skin on his arms, likes puppies and is good at painting, Chris is my dreamweaver. Had I known that the whole wedding to-do would morph into the biggest shitshow of my life, Chris and I would've eloped months ago. Holy cow. I'd like to let everyone know that Chris and I are getting married..... no one else. We don't want your opinions, ideas, or whatever else you have to offer us. Our ears are closed and no longer in the business of listening. Apparently, etiquette and general manners get tossed out the ole window like yesterday's diapers when it comes to a wedding. Here's some advice: I don't want advice. Thanks.
Hangovers. I've gone through this one a million times. I think there should be an acceptable loophole for heroin use when it comes to be being over-served the night before. I swear, no matter the amount of alcohol or what kind, I can bet you a doller-to-a-donut that I will awake with a vice grip on my cranium and a feral cat in my digestive tract. True story. McDonald's orange pop? A #4 from Burger King? Nope. There is no cure..... not even a marathon of the Casey Anthony trial.
Felicia and her offspring. Dirty whore. Though cute and soft-LOOKING, Felicia the Chipmunk has started to snack on my freshly-sprung flowers. Living comfortable under our patio and within distance to constantly taunt Kasia, Felicia is making a mockery out of my gardening skeelz. That's right--SKEELZ. Not skills. I've noticed some very tiny teeth marks from a late-night binge involving Felicia's whole gangster crew. She's gonna get it right in the old tailpipe from Mr. Hose if she's not careful.
HIGHS
I'm sitting in the San Antonio airport, posted up in a little Mexican restaurant, and the guy next to me just used the terms "dog fart," "pig fucker" and "dumb dick" while on a business call. Whatever he does for a living, I want to know and I want to be hired asap.
The 5th season of Celebrity Rehab started on Sunday. Yes. Dr. Drew you're awesome. The cast is a ridiculous myriad of has-been loser outcasts with problems ranging from steroid addiction to alcoholism. I can throw this show into the fabulous pile of other shows which make me feel good about myself: Hoarders, Intervention, RHOOC, RHONJ, Addicted, Freaky Eaters and Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Chris makes fun of me for liking said shows however, I really feel great about my shortcomings when I compare myself to people that eat mattresses, chalk and sleep with a hairdryer.
The dog fart guy from the booth next to me just said "go pound sand." He might be related to my dad.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Overalls and Sports bras
Chris and I headed south to Indianapolis to check on all things Greta. She is still resting comfortably in the puppy patch at the Community North NICU. Not short of friends, Greta has her posse laying with her: Deondra the Purple Puppy that sings lullabies, Tay-Tay the Pink Rabbit and Quita the pink bunny-holder-rattle-thingie. Truthfully, Greta's bestie is Deondra because they go way back (they both get their weaves snapped at Shortie Tim's Hair Braiding and Pawn Shop on 59th and Lynwood).
We're all hoping the Norton Ohana can permanently check out of the 6th floor Thursday. I'm sure Beans and Biscuit want their parents back. Plus, they haven't met their new baby sister yet!
I'm having a hard time finding things to write about because the birth of little miss niecelet has stolen the spotlight. Below are a list of things which have taken place in the past week of so:
1. Chris and I planted flowers. Since we agree to disagree on "our vision of what the yard should look like," I have secretly planted some flower seeds here-and-there for a few bursts of surprise color. I think today I will start to plan a long term layout of what I WANT the yard to look like next summer.
2. Wedding planning is pretty much done. The big stuff is taken care of and vendors are starting to get balance money. The little things; guest room blocks, bridesmaid dress ordering, and small details are things I am fretting.
3. Honeymoon? What honeymoon? If anyone out there wants to loan me a few Gs to hit up Anguilla, feel free.
4. I need my hair colored. I have roots and I'm beginning to look like I could fit in at any crummy mall.
5. Kasia has developed a taste for cedar mulch. She likes to bring appetizers in from the yard.
We're all hoping the Norton Ohana can permanently check out of the 6th floor Thursday. I'm sure Beans and Biscuit want their parents back. Plus, they haven't met their new baby sister yet!
I'm having a hard time finding things to write about because the birth of little miss niecelet has stolen the spotlight. Below are a list of things which have taken place in the past week of so:
1. Chris and I planted flowers. Since we agree to disagree on "our vision of what the yard should look like," I have secretly planted some flower seeds here-and-there for a few bursts of surprise color. I think today I will start to plan a long term layout of what I WANT the yard to look like next summer.
2. Wedding planning is pretty much done. The big stuff is taken care of and vendors are starting to get balance money. The little things; guest room blocks, bridesmaid dress ordering, and small details are things I am fretting.
3. Honeymoon? What honeymoon? If anyone out there wants to loan me a few Gs to hit up Anguilla, feel free.
4. I need my hair colored. I have roots and I'm beginning to look like I could fit in at any crummy mall.
5. Kasia has developed a taste for cedar mulch. She likes to bring appetizers in from the yard.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Sparkly Underpants and tapshoes
I am proud to report that baby Margaret Elizabeth Norton arrived today! At 11:43 AM, weighing in at 7 lbs. 3 oz. and stretching 19 inches long, Miss Greta made quite the entrance after putting her mommy through many hours of labor. I spoke with Carrie a little while ago and she sounded very tired; apparently lack of food and heavy cardio will do that to a person. All her woman parts in tact, Carrie said that Greta was getting her oil changed up at the NICU. Not sure of the details, Carrie said the baby is ok and is just being observed.
I wonder how Carrie and Dave's dogs are going to react to the little one? I bet Beans is going to try to lie in the crib with her, while Biscuit packs her suitcases and hits the open road. Either way, I hope the three of them can work out their differences and live in breastfeeding harmony.
Greta's official birthday is June 8, 2011. A Gemini Woman:
Below is a character detail of a Gemini:
Gemini go everywhere together, hand-in-hand, symbolizing your dual nature. Our world comes in pairs: good and evil, male and female, in and out, yin and yang -- and you Geminis are living proof. Some might say Gemini are an entanglement of paradoxes, but the truth is that Gemini have an easy acceptance of opposites. Gemini world is one of duality. Gemini can like this and that, one thing and its opposite. It's like you see your world through a radio and Gemini can tune experiences and points of view in and out as your interests change.
You Geminis are curious, talkative, versatile and mentally active. Your mind can bounce around from one topic to another with great ease, making Gemini the champion of cocktail party chatter and lighthearted social encounters. Others will think that Gemini are fun to be with, but your ability to change with the changing winds can also lead others to see Gemini as shallow.
Gemini motto might be "A rolling stone gathers no moss." You are the eternally youthful child, no matter your chronological age. A razor-sharp wit can have you verbally dueling with the very best of opponents, who moments later are your best of friends. As you fly through life, don't forget to take time to smell the flowers.
Whatever Greta determines as her life's path, I hope it doesn't entail stripping, Nascar or mall kiosks.
I wonder how Carrie and Dave's dogs are going to react to the little one? I bet Beans is going to try to lie in the crib with her, while Biscuit packs her suitcases and hits the open road. Either way, I hope the three of them can work out their differences and live in breastfeeding harmony.
Greta's official birthday is June 8, 2011. A Gemini Woman:
Below is a character detail of a Gemini:
Gemini go everywhere together, hand-in-hand, symbolizing your dual nature. Our world comes in pairs: good and evil, male and female, in and out, yin and yang -- and you Geminis are living proof. Some might say Gemini are an entanglement of paradoxes, but the truth is that Gemini have an easy acceptance of opposites. Gemini world is one of duality. Gemini can like this and that, one thing and its opposite. It's like you see your world through a radio and Gemini can tune experiences and points of view in and out as your interests change.
You Geminis are curious, talkative, versatile and mentally active. Your mind can bounce around from one topic to another with great ease, making Gemini the champion of cocktail party chatter and lighthearted social encounters. Others will think that Gemini are fun to be with, but your ability to change with the changing winds can also lead others to see Gemini as shallow.
Gemini motto might be "A rolling stone gathers no moss." You are the eternally youthful child, no matter your chronological age. A razor-sharp wit can have you verbally dueling with the very best of opponents, who moments later are your best of friends. As you fly through life, don't forget to take time to smell the flowers.
Whatever Greta determines as her life's path, I hope it doesn't entail stripping, Nascar or mall kiosks.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Kayaking the Chattahoochie
Reporting live from the sickest Hampton Inn in all of North America. Seriously. Gross. I'll put it to you this way: all rooms access from outside. Can you say RAPE? As I was checking in, I did a quick perimeter glimpse (Ass-kickin' police chics do this on Dateline) to get some bearings. After realizing there were no interior rooms (access from inside the hotel) I, in the most bitchy tone of voice I could muster, said "please tell me this is not an outdoor-access only hotel."
"Yes ma'am. There are lots in the south." Bullshit Andre, loser hotel manager with a horrible haircut.
And so goes the inner monologue:
There is no fucking way that I would participate in any hotel perk situation involving outdoor-only access. Can you say "MOTELS across from strip joints are outdoor access only?!?" I can see my face plastered on the Chattanooga News in the morning....."Jennie Monforton of Woodridge, IL gets brutally beaten after homeless man kicks in hotel room door." Awesome.
So, here I am; able to open my hotel room door and see the freakin' parking lot. I think I'll just turn on Judge Judy, break open a bag of Cheetos and sip on a 32oz. Mountain Dew to celebrate my temporary dwellings.
On a happier note, my little niecelet will be hatched tomorrow! Carrie is getting induced sometime in the morning and Greta will HOPEFULLY arrive in a non-vaginal tearing manner. I trust that Carrie and Dave produced a chubby blonde wood nymph, complete with baby mohawk.
Also hitting the airwaves--- another season of Celebrity Rehab. For all you reality show junkies out there, this show is like the creme de la creme of tv crap. Not to mention, Dr. Drew is completely hot. I have no idea who has been cast for this season of CR however, I hope and pray we can see a boy band has been, an overweight-once-hot model and of course, some sitcom star from the 80s.
Lots of good things to look forward to. Speaking of looking, the anchormen on the Chattanooga News at 7 look like they're stuck in 1991. True story.
To change directions for a minute, I would like to update my followers on the whole gluten-free wave I've been surfing. I read a book a few months ago about the whole GF craze. Completely skeptical, I gave the book's message a Mofo try. 11 pounds lost, no more stomach aches and ALOT less bloated.... I recommend going GF for at least 2 weeks to see how you feel.
Puppies 101 was on Saturday morning. Kasia and I watched it. I want another puppy..... actually, I want a whole gaggle of puppies. All kinds. All sizes. All levels of softness. Even though Kasia is 1 1/2 years old, she is still my little unicorn princess. She will always be soft and nice and snuggly.
"Yes ma'am. There are lots in the south." Bullshit Andre, loser hotel manager with a horrible haircut.
And so goes the inner monologue:
There is no fucking way that I would participate in any hotel perk situation involving outdoor-only access. Can you say "MOTELS across from strip joints are outdoor access only?!?" I can see my face plastered on the Chattanooga News in the morning....."Jennie Monforton of Woodridge, IL gets brutally beaten after homeless man kicks in hotel room door." Awesome.
So, here I am; able to open my hotel room door and see the freakin' parking lot. I think I'll just turn on Judge Judy, break open a bag of Cheetos and sip on a 32oz. Mountain Dew to celebrate my temporary dwellings.
On a happier note, my little niecelet will be hatched tomorrow! Carrie is getting induced sometime in the morning and Greta will HOPEFULLY arrive in a non-vaginal tearing manner. I trust that Carrie and Dave produced a chubby blonde wood nymph, complete with baby mohawk.
Also hitting the airwaves--- another season of Celebrity Rehab. For all you reality show junkies out there, this show is like the creme de la creme of tv crap. Not to mention, Dr. Drew is completely hot. I have no idea who has been cast for this season of CR however, I hope and pray we can see a boy band has been, an overweight-once-hot model and of course, some sitcom star from the 80s.
Lots of good things to look forward to. Speaking of looking, the anchormen on the Chattanooga News at 7 look like they're stuck in 1991. True story.
To change directions for a minute, I would like to update my followers on the whole gluten-free wave I've been surfing. I read a book a few months ago about the whole GF craze. Completely skeptical, I gave the book's message a Mofo try. 11 pounds lost, no more stomach aches and ALOT less bloated.... I recommend going GF for at least 2 weeks to see how you feel.
Puppies 101 was on Saturday morning. Kasia and I watched it. I want another puppy..... actually, I want a whole gaggle of puppies. All kinds. All sizes. All levels of softness. Even though Kasia is 1 1/2 years old, she is still my little unicorn princess. She will always be soft and nice and snuggly.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Birdfeeders and Lemondrops
I drove to St. Louis on Tuesday for work. Apparently there are portions of the city that have been recently ravaged by tornadoes. Since Alabama and Joplin, MO have gotten all the press for shitty weather, tornado-stricken towns outside of the F-5 experience have been placed on the back burner. It was so strange-- along the highway, every other house was completely leveled. Do tornadoes pick and choose people's lives to turn upside down while wiping away all their material possessions?
Adding to the above comments, Chris and I watched "Tornado Rampage 2011" on the Discovery Channel last night. I gotta throw props to the crazy-ass lunatics that pull out their handycams as a massive funnel cloud approaches from 5 feet away. Maybe they have already come to grips with their mobile home being left in ruins as the seconds tick by? Darrell Warren of Tuscaloosa grew huge balls while videotaping a horrific tornado pass OVER his apartment complex. What a moron.
If a tornado siren went off around here, you can bet your bottom dollars that Kasia (along with her most prized stuffed animal, Cherry) and I would be in the bathtub, holding one another for dear life.
Great news on my soon-to-be-borged-niecelet! Baby Greta is scheduled to leave her baby apartment this coming Tuesday! I can't wait to meet her. I hope she has a sweet baby mohawk and doesn't look like a baby squirrel post-hatching. Most of all, I want her to be a tad on the peanut-buttery-porky side so I can give her good neck and legs kisses.
I have advised Carrie and Dave to leave the hospital with Greta sporting either a magical cape and/or being swaddled in something similar to macrome.
Adding to the above comments, Chris and I watched "Tornado Rampage 2011" on the Discovery Channel last night. I gotta throw props to the crazy-ass lunatics that pull out their handycams as a massive funnel cloud approaches from 5 feet away. Maybe they have already come to grips with their mobile home being left in ruins as the seconds tick by? Darrell Warren of Tuscaloosa grew huge balls while videotaping a horrific tornado pass OVER his apartment complex. What a moron.
If a tornado siren went off around here, you can bet your bottom dollars that Kasia (along with her most prized stuffed animal, Cherry) and I would be in the bathtub, holding one another for dear life.
Great news on my soon-to-be-borged-niecelet! Baby Greta is scheduled to leave her baby apartment this coming Tuesday! I can't wait to meet her. I hope she has a sweet baby mohawk and doesn't look like a baby squirrel post-hatching. Most of all, I want her to be a tad on the peanut-buttery-porky side so I can give her good neck and legs kisses.
I have advised Carrie and Dave to leave the hospital with Greta sporting either a magical cape and/or being swaddled in something similar to macrome.
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