For you decorating/design freaks out there, you must check out Dina's Party.  Filmed in New Jersey and hosted by RHONJ's Dina Manzo, this show is all things over-the-top.  I recently watched a Christmas episode.  Amazeballs.  She transformed this hideously garish New Jersey-Italian-mansion into a gorgeous Christmas forest-type space.  Love.  I wish I got married at Christmas time.  Who doesn't love pine cones, birch branches and snow?

Reason #498 why I need a job asap:  So I can afford to build a ski lodge in Colorado for my family and friends to enjoy.

Christmas hath fallen upon us.  Now.... if it could only dump several inches of snow.  Yes readers.... I'm actually one of those people living in the Midwest that lervs snow.  True story-- EVERY person living in the Chicagoland area complains of snow.  Newsflash:  IT SNOWS IN ILLINOIS EVERY SINGLE YEAR.  Why is this so shocking for people?  If you don't like the climate than move.  Kthanksbye.

Back to that several inches of snow....  The weather forecast is calling for snow tomorrow and I couldn't be happier.  Our snowmobiles are anxiously awaiting a chance to show their skeelz (just like Santa's reindeer the day before Christmas Eve).  Additionally, Christmas should be white.  White.  Not brown with a bunch of leafless trees.  I want to see glittery, sparkly, clean-as-a-slate, fluffy snow.  Aspen Extreme style.  If you don't know what AE style is, well, rent the movie.  Amaze.

The Newtown, CT shootings.  Holy shit.  I'm still at a loss for words.  Being a mother, I absolutely can not fathom getting a phone call indicating that my SON HAS BEEN SHOT at school.  I would die.  Soapbox time:

This is not a gun issue.  This is a horrible, tragic and violent tragedy.  The person responsible should have just taken his own life..... and not several others.  What a selfish fuck.

Guns should be as difficult to get as a mortgage.  Or a job in my case.  WTF.  I'm all about the 2nd Amendment HOWEVER, with guns comes a HUGE responsibility.  Own a weapon?  Take a class and do the work to own that weapon.  Only a thug loser would carry a weapon without proper training.

I hit up the dentist yesterday.  No cavities.  Boom.  Beau doesn't have cavities either(he has two teeth, you know).

After the visit to Farrah the Awesome Hygienist, we hit up Hi-Cone.  I never thought I'd waltz through those doors again however, I had to say hello to my old work friends.  Work friends are like family-- heck, you see them more than your spouse some times.  It's better knowing that nothing has changed there, too.  Same smiling faces.  Love.  I'm also glad I didn't see my old boss.  (What a nerd to the hundredth degree.)

Question.  Will we have a white Christmas?  I sure hope so.  Kasia looks out the window every morning wondering where in the hell the snow is goddammit.

Well.  We made it.  Two teeth and not even 4 months old.  I swear, Beau is like a man-child.  With little to no "leg nuts," Little Shep is just big.  Not porky..... except fat wrists and fingers.  Poor little stink, the past few days have been rough for Beau as those sonnabitch teeth started to cut through.  He seems good now.  All he got for Christmas was his two bottom teeth.

Alaska: The Last Frontier.  My favorite show.  Lerv it.  Perhaps its the nature lover in me or Alaska's majestic beauty, this show is amaze balls.  The Kilcher family lives off the land and its great.  A preservative-free life, void of cable television and other media annoyances, The Kilchers live as people did 100 years ago.  Check it out-- and you may learn a few survival lessons.

In celebration of my new fave show, I am inspired to do a lot of container gardening on our back patio next summer.  I'm going to grow tomatoes, celery (delicious when grown), some herbs and cukes.  Hopefully, Beau will be big enough to be my right hand farmer man.

Another show I saw last night.....  "Secrets of a Trophy Wife."  WTF.  So long powerful women and progressive thinking....  This dumb bitches..... I can't even talk about it yet.  Google it.  You'll barf.  There is far too much bronzer, boobs and botox to discuss right now.

My wedding ring FINALLY fits.  I thought the damn thing would never go over my sausage digits after Beau was born.  15 weeks post birth and I'm feeling somewhat back to normal.  Things get WAY out of whack while pregnant, let me tell you.

I literally suck at time management.  When I have a free moment (mostly when Beau naps), if I'm not doing laundry, loading the dishwasher, remembering to brush my teeth/change my underpants/shower....  I just want to sit in front of the tv and zone out.  Am I a bad person?  Seriously.  I LIVE for my DVR'd episodes of RHOBH and the other garbage that entices me.

How do stay-at-home moms balance life with.... say.... 4 kids?  I have no clue how my mom did it with my bro, my twin sis and little sis.  My mom says she doesn't remember how hard it was.  Yeah right Jan.  I call bullshit.  You're just blocking it out, like a bad hangover.

I used to want 5 kids.  I am rethinking this Mormon approach to my brood.  Also, my c-section scar still hurts; not internally.... the actual scar.  It feels like a burn.  Weird.  Tori Spelling was f'in cray-cray to have her kids so close together via c-section.

I was sad this morning because Beau has officially outgrown his 3 months Carter's clothes.  Boo.  3M size is like spandex on him.  Thankfully he is cute and has puppy hair.  Also, he farts a lot which is hilarious.

He is looking much like a mix of my dad and Chris.  Although, he has my coloring-- I think that may change.  Beau's eyes appear to be blue.  I'm crossing my fingers they remain that color.

I hung Christmas lights tonight.  We are using the LED lights.  No me gusta, or however you say it.  They are bright enough.  I need the Christmas miracle to happen at our house so Santa knows to hit up our chimney.  (I want perfume for Jesus' birthday)  I'm already planning next year's light choreography.... when I have more time.  Look out Clark W.

Commitment

Thanksgiving hath come and gone.  It was a bittersweet holiday this year.  With the passing of my grandmother (my father's mother), Clara Elizabeth Monforton, her funeral took place the Saturday of Thanksgiving.....  so turkey didn't taste as good.

For some, funerals are a source of closure.  Sidenote-- there is no such thing as closure.  This is fact.  For me, funerals sadly remind me of how much I will miss the one that has passed on.  My gram's funeral was no different.  I cried the whole time.  I cried for my dad.  I cried for my aunts and uncles.  I cried for my Pepe.  Moreover, I cried because I don't get to see my gram anymore.  Selfish, I know.

There was one beautiful thing about Saturday's service.  At the end of the service, a beautiful ray of sunshine bled through the stain glass of St. Paul's.  I know it was Gram.  She was probably looking down from Heaven, laughing at all of us sobbing idiots and drinking a tall Manhattan (with 2 cherries).

Looking forward, its officially Christmas time.  Holler bitches.  I love me some Hollerdays.  I already watched The Family Stone and have choreographed where Christmas lights will be going on our bushes out front.

Show me your choppers

Teething.  That's the name of the game.  After a few days of major drool, extreme fussiness and lackluster sleep, we have determined that Little Shep is teething.  Shit.  He is only 3 months old.  WTF.

Thank you Jesus for baby ibuprofen.  No thank you Jesus for baby ibuprofen's consistency.  Beau literally takes 15 minutes to swallow a tiny syringe of medicine.... or "yummies" as we call it.  Don't they make baby ibuprofen patches?  Like morphine patches?  I should invent that.  I'd be rich.

In other news, we are heading back to America's High Five.  A Wednesday through Sunday visit will give me ample time to catch up with my Mitten peeps (Guido and Calli to name a few).

J-O-B.  Thats the name of the game bitches.  Even though I'm working with a headhunter, my job search is coming up a big fat NILL.  Ziltch.  WTF.  Because I refuse to strip, nor would anyone want to see my hooters, finding a vocation is proving quite difficult.  Also, I already have a nanny for our kid.  Normally its the other way around--  No nanny, has job.

I had to drop off some baby clothes to a fellow Puma (Go Saint Joe!) in Oak Lawn, so my awesome MIL came over to babysit.  PS-- Pat is here once a week, which kicks ass.  Upon leaving Beau and walking out the door, he decides to TOTALLY give Pat the bidniss.  Crocodile tears and all.  Not only were my boobs starting to leak, but I found myself wanting to cry also.  My poor stinkerstank.  Turns out he just had to fart real loud.  A trashy little bugger he is.

Milestones.

Beau will be 3 months old tomorrow.  How time flies.

-Rolling over from back to stomach
-Loves to be held as he "stands" on your lap
-Sits comfortably in a Bumbo chair
-Weighs in at roughly 15 lbs
-Likes to do "baby sit-ups".....a.k.a. mommy/daddy holds his hands and he pulls himself up
-Quite the little babbler..... laughs hysterically
-Sleeps in crib since 2 days old (no sleeping in parent's room for this guy)

I'm already stressing about his college fund.  Hence WHY he will go to the Naval Academy and not pay a dime.  Go Midshipmen.

Day One of "Getting Beau to Nap So He Doesn't Fall Apart at 6pm."  It's 7:40 and thus, the day was a success.  Below is a breakdown of how shit went down:

6:15 PM Beau is falling apart.  Put to bed and asleep immediately.

Up throughout the night ever 2-3 hours.  What a load of crap.

6:15 AM Beaus is awake and ready to party.

Play time, feeding, diaper changing......

8 AM - 8:45 NAP

Adrienne and Ford-O come over for a day of recreational activities.

11:00 - 1:00 PM Beau naps as Adrienne and I walk to the library and back

Play time, feeding, diaper changing.....

2:30 - 5:00 Beau naps

6:45 - 7:30 Bath time and 6oz bottle of 3/4 breast milk and 1/4 formula

7:40 Beau is in bed sound asleep.

Please baby Jesus in Heaven, please let Shep sleep for several hours before waking up.  Mama doesn't like meltdowns.

Thank you Jesus.  Obama wins.  Success.  I was scared that Mitt would pull it off.  My biggest fear if Mr. Mittens would've won?  A very wealthy man in power.  How could he possibly empathize with the middle and lower classes in America?  Mitt's been rich (bitch) since birth.  Another note-- he only supported the LGBT community in a last ditch effort to get votes.  Bush league.

In other news, Kasia just got a bath.  The drain is now filled with dirty dog hair.... and lets not forget Kasia's "shake off" while exiting the shower.  Water everywhere.  Keep it classy poochie.

Beau is asleep in the swing because he was a little shit last night.  The kid opted to wake up every 3 hours, though VERY tired.  At 5 am, I brought him in bed with me in hopes he'd get comfy and participate in some shut eye.  Nope.  Wide awake at 6 AM.  Awesome.  So, after some nourish, clean underpants and play time, a much needed nap is taking place.

Kasia is asleep now, too.  I guess doggie baths are exhausting.