I officially had a mental freak out moment/hour last night. Chris and I went up to see the Reavis' (Bill, April and baby Emma stinkerface) in Arlington Heights. After a lovely Giordano's pizza and a few episodes of Mountain Men, we headed home. Heading south on I-355, I suddenly got this horrible "butterflies in my stomach" type feeling-- all too familiar with my history of anxiety. Shit. Here it comes.
Circulating around in my cranium was "What the fuck am I doing?" I'm having a baby in roughly 3 weeks, I just lost my job..... what the fuck am I doing. How did I get here? We just got married. We just bought a house. We just bought a new car. Holy hell. I don't know how to nurse or pop a kid out. Holy shit. All the while, Chris is playing with the radio and trying to figure out the CD player..... That is SO us. Forget about the deep breaths and positive thoughts...... I started sweating profusely.
Thankfully, the butterflies/moths subsided and I EVENTUALLY fell asleep. I wish I had about 25 Xanax. Truth be told, I'm glad I can now get through episodes of panic-- whereas before, I would've started to cry and isolated myself. No joke, anxiety is super shitty thing to have plaguing your life.... it comes and goes as it pleases and can pretty much mess up any situation.
I keep telling myself that everything will work out. I don't know if its my ego, my insecurities or my general being however, I shoulder entirely too much. I worry about details that are ridiculous. Yesterday I stressed for about 45 minutes -- the reason? I felt bad because Kasia hadn't gotten any exercise.
I am too hard on myself. I deconstruct every possible thing, whether its under my control or not. I am hoping to God that once baby comes, I'll be able to put aside trivial shit and focus on him.
Oh... one last thing.... I was reminded the other day that a person can't reason with stupid. It's a fact. Live it and love it.
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