I just threw up in my mouth

Last night, I foolishly folded to the millions of commercials for "The Bachelor: The Final Rose."  While Chris was fast asleep (or so I thought) I quietly changed the channel from "American Pickers" to "The Bachelor."  Holy crap.  Talk about cheese.

Brad has no personality; all he has going for him is a hot bod and possibly a good insurance plan.  I'm not even going to discuss his back tattoo right now--  So...... the end of the line arrives and he has to choose between bulimic Emily (note-- fresh, new veneers) and cool Chantal with the amazing rack.

Being the consommate optimist, I thought Chantal was a shoe-in.  Fun loving, free spirited and very attractive, Chantal possessed a cool confidence that was a perfect opposite to Brad's milk toast aura.  But NOOOOOO.....  Emily has to slip in, all blonde and what not, like a breath of southern sweet tea and effective anorexia and steal Brad away.  Of course he picked her; blah, boring and no zest.

I hope Chantal lands a hot ass millionaire with an Australian accent, a mild obsession for Van Halen, skiing and sweet moves on a guitar.

Its On The Books

Chris and I have officially set a date; we put down a deposit.  Saturday, November 19, 2011 is our wedding date.  We couldnt be more excited and thrilled! 

To make matters even better, my mom, Dana and Busia agreed to do some dress shopping with me yesterday.  I found my dress.  Deposit put down, I can now check that other large "to-do" off my wedding list.  Fear not, the dress chosen does not have a sheer corset, beer wench style lacing in the back or a 67ft train.


If you want to imagine "Steel Magnolias" as my wedding theme, please do so... then give yourself a labotomy.
"My colors are blush and bashful"


Amidst my chaotic weekend, I have somehow developed a disgusting sinus infection.  Jam-packed with ear pain, a sore throat, relentless coughing and a fever, I feel like crap.  No amount of Cepacol, Sudafed or warm tea is making me feel better.  Did I mention I have to get on a two-hour flight to NoLa today?  Great.  Cabin Pressure.  Awesome.

It's Friday, pass the ibuprofen

I awoke this morning with the worst sore throat of my life.  The confusing part is that I no longer have tonsils; can you get a sore throat minus tonsils?  It literally feels like someone took an auger and went to town in my esophagus.

Kasia tried to make me feel better this morning by rubbing her ear on my face, but that didn't work.  If soft shepherd ears can't cure what ails me, nothing can.
(please take note of the ear-wonkiness on the speciman)

On a lighter note, I have received word that my brother and sister-in-law may be adding one more to their ohana.  That's right-- puppy time.  The only advice I gave to Kelly was the following:

"You can't go wrong with a mutt and a soft pair of ears."  I also explained that they won't pick the dog, the dog will pick them.  In Kasia's case, she whistled at Chris, submitted her puppy resume, conducted an interview and away we went.


A few things to note for today:

1.)  I spoke with Miss Lauren Nicole Grattenthaler today and she has accepted my offer to either perform a song or do a reading at our wedding.  I failed to mention how challenging a Stevie Wonder song can be while accompanied by an accordian.

2.)  Open-toe shoes are not meant to be worn with suntan nylons.

3.)  Charlie Sheen and Britney Spears should do a music video together.

Drunk with Jesus

My work schedule took me to Mobile, AL this week.  I flew in yesterday (Fat Tuesday) and am leaving today (not soon enough).  I opted to fully embrace the pre-Lent custom of noshing on some Polish magic, a.k.a. paczki, for my Tuesday morning breakfast.


To conclude Fat Tuesday, I hit up Burger King for a Fried Fat Sandwich (chicken sandwich).  So, last night while suffering from the worst fat-induced stomach ache, I watched "Love And Other Drugs" and fell in love with Jake Gyllenhaal.

So, here we are Ash Wednesday; a new day and 40 days of sacrifice looking me square in the face.  I went to mass this morning at St. Vincent Catholic Church.  This church should be renamed St. Stank.  Holy macaroni that place smelled!  I somehow made it through without gagging, got my ashes and high-tailed it outta there.

Aside from giving up cheap perfume and B.O., I will be focusing my Lenten promise on going without junk food, Diet Coke and alcohol.  Not too hard, except that I love Chex Mix with Sierra Nevadas.


To round out this entry, I would like to bring the level down to "serious."  Driving out of the Coke plant yesterday for a lunch break, there was a homeless man posted up on a corner holding a "Need Money" sign in one hand and a 4-WEEK-OLD-BABY-PUPPY in the other. 

What has this world come to?  Not only is there chaos in Libya, but now puppy's being prostituted for beer money?  I am speechless.  I was hoping to run into the bum today so I could sucker punch him and steal the pup.  No such luck.  I am leaving Alabama puppy-free and with a head full of frizzy hair.

Tricked out Dance Moves

It's official.... we have set a date!  On Saturday, November 19th, 2011 Christopher Edward Willis will become Christopher Edward Monforton.  We couldn't be more pumped.  Next comes the second most important step to wedding planning:  finding a sweet band.


Since the band idea is mine, I want to ensure whomever is booked can really bring down the house.  And by bring down the house, I mean I want to see underpants flying in the air.

Park City c'ont.

I failed to mention a few important key points from our Park City vacation.  First and foremost, Chris partially tore his MCL.... at least that is the diagnosis we came up with.  The one day we had to ski, Chris and I hit the slopes first thing at The Canyons Resort.  Basked in sunshine and a 100" base, the morning runs with the rest of the Cikanek/Miller posse we awesome.  Charlie, Lonnie, Dave, Nate, Matt, Chris and myself were having a blast trying to fit in as many runs as possible before our 1 PM departure time.

Chris was cruising down a fast groomer, hit a small rut, shifted his weight to turn out and suddenly heard a "POP."  As soon as he got down to the lift Chris was ready to leave immediately.  I felt terrible for him-- we were having so much fun.  On the way back to the hotel we stopped at Wal-Mart and picked up a hinged knee brace.  So a piece of spandex,  little ibuprofen and a few Captain and Cokes made the wedding an enjoyable (pain free) experience for the Willis-Monfortons.

Secondly, I no longer belong on double black diamond ski runs.  As the group formed to ski for the morning, Nate was insistent on heading up to the very top of The Canyons (Lift Nine Ninety).  Fairly confident in my ability to ski well and get down from pretty much anything, I thought we would be playing in some fairly deeper snow in a wide open steep.  NOT THE CASE.  Trees and moguls made up this part of the mountain, both things skiers should avoid (sorry Jonny Moseley).


Long story short, I pretty much rolled down the first 300 feet of the run while the rest of the guys cruised down without a hitch.  Chris had to wait for me; it was so embarassing.  Either I have to get my head outta my ass when it comes to improving my technique, or just avoid challenging terrain all together.


The most important piece of the Park City puzzle involves a legend by the name of Charlie Goes.  I will sum up Charlie's legendary status with two words: Dance Off.  Enough said.

Shortcakes and Worm

It's been awhile since blogging; lots going on with little time to vent/story tell/make fun of others.

Chris and I took Friday off of work and flew to Salt Lake City for the nuptial awesomeness of Nate Cikanek and Susanne Miller, a.k.a Shortcakes and Worm.  Their wedding was held in Park City, a mere 30 miles from SLC. 

Tucked away from the "big city" Park City is situtated amidst three large ski resorts: Deer Valley, Park City Mountain Resort and The Canyons.  All.  Awesome.  Not that "mountain habitants" aren't cool enough, there was a plethora of cute dogs, Mountainsmith fanny packs and kick-ass "goggle tans."  I love all things ski resort.





The ONLY downside to embracing a quick weekend in a mountain town is the ridiculous vernacular spoken between townies.  The terms "nar," "sick," and "no worries" have NO place in my vocabulary.  Just because you get to hit the slopes once or twice a week does not give anyone permission to talk like an idiot.  Perfectly acceptable mountain speak includes such phrases as burrito, chapstick and Bela Fleck and the Flecktones.

Onto the wedding details.......  Nate and Susie's wedding ceremony was at St. Mary's Old Town Chapel in downtown Park City.  Nestled into a hill, the quaint church was perfectly blanketed with icicles and snow.  In a perfect location to say "I Do," their service was exceptionally romantic, intimate and memorable.  Father Jim ripped off a hilarious homily and managed to drive home the message of "you get no breaks in marriage, so make the proper choices everyday to support your union."

The reception was hosted at the Park City Mountain Resort in the Legacy Lodge.  Arriving before the bride and groom, all guests of the wedding were able to grab a quick snack and a dank beer before witnessing probably the most authentic entrance in wedding history.  Moments later, Nate and Susanne rode down the mountain, decked in their wedding garb, while we cheered them on.  AWESOME.

The night was highlighted by great food, stellar ambience and sweet dance moves.  Note to self: Zumba class DOES COUNT as dance lessons.