Curled Bangs

I complain about having to be on the road for work on a fairly regular basis.  What I fail to mention is the sometimes AWESOME hairstyles I encounter in airports across the country.  Case In Point: Charlotte, NC.

This neck of the south is apparently a budding city, chocked full of Nascar fans, southern drawls and MALL HAIR.  Walking off the airplane last night I was bombarded by a lady's perm as I made a turn for the restroom.  No joke-- I caught a whiff of Salon Selectives hairspray Extra Hold.  I'd also like to mention that she was wearing a Celine Dion t-shirt and windpants.

I wonder if its irony that Brad the Bachelor chose a North Carolinian for the final rose?  She had secret mall hair underneath that nape of blonde and veneers.

Fusstrated and Acrosst

Chris and I registered at Home Depot and Bed, Bath and Beyond yesterday.  I wish someone had prepared me for what we experienced.  Nothing major to report however, when we left BB&B, I was ready to haymaker the next person that asked "Can I help you with anything?"  Holy crap.  It's not enough to have to come up with "twice the items as people invited" (400), having to comb through every nook and cranny of a home goods store is migraine-inducing.

I was trying to visualize what we currently have in our kitchen, organizing "needs versus wants."  Truly, all we really need is a few rubber spatulas and a pizza stone.  We threw in a coffee maker with a grinder, a paella pan and a new set of flannel sheets just to keep things spicy.  Home Depot however, was a totally different story.

Since HD doesn't have an online-type bridal registry, we had to walk around doing our own data entry.  Armed with several pieces of paper, for every item we liked we had to write down its SKU/UPC and description of the item.  Mostly shovels, patio-related things and garden tools, we are really in need of those chosen.  Chris and I own one rake and a pair of scissors.

Is it possible to register at Jim's Pet World?  Puppies?  Birdfeeders?

Thankfully, we ran into Benson and Rosanna amidst the registering hijinks and determined a pint of beer would make the annoyance go away.  Mission accomplished.

Frolick by Britney Spears

I'd like to discuss one of my favorite topics: Pet Peeves.  Below is a list of some of my pet peeves:

1.)  Cars that have turn signals out, missing lights, broken lights, etc.  Nothing pisses me off more than a car with no brake lights;  it's almost like you're begging to get rear-ended.

2.)  People that chew with their mouth open, eat with their fingers, lick their fingers while eating and/or make strange noises while eating.  Humans are not farm animals and utensils were invented for a reason.

3.)  Co-workers that don't shower/comb their hair/brush their teeth/present themselves in a decent fashion to come to work.  "Casual Friday" does not mean "Hey, I'm going to throw on a sweet 1984 macramed crewneck sweatshirt and some velcro shoes with my tapered jeans and head on into the office."

4.)  Bluetooths.  I don't need to elaborate.

5.)  Stankin' ass perfume.  This item could be discussed in the Monforton household for hours.  I will try and keep things short, sweet and to-the-point.
a.)  Celebrities should no longer put their names on scents.  Hilary Duff, Celine Dion, J.Lo, Halle  Berry, Queen Latifah, Derek Jeter, Cristina Aguilera, Fergie and Brit-Brit should stick with what they're good at (or not so good at) and give up on the perfume bizz.  Top notes of cotton candy, syrup, pee, marshmallows, dandelions and panther blood don't belong in a toilette form.  Case in point:  Paris Hilton's Can-Can.  I'm gagging.

6.)  Couples that talk about their overtly, borderline-hardcore-porn sex life.  I don't need to hear Jimmy and Sally discuss how they purchased a 49 lb. apparatus that is now hanging/fashioned to their bedroom closet while enjoying a meal of spaghetti.

Nice shell necklace

I've been holding back on writing about the show "Teen Mom."  Chris will never admit to this however, it is our favorite show.  Aside from "Intervention," "Teen Mom" makes me feel awesome about myself.  Knowing that I got through my teens and twenties without getting knocked up (out of wedlock), graduated high school and college and found myself a good job.  Case in point Jenelle.

Jenelle lives in some coastal town, South Carolina perhaps?  Anyhoo, Jenelle had a son in her late teens just upon graduating high school.  Unfortunately she lives with her crazy-ass controlling mom which makes the living arrangement resemble much of "Joe Dirt."  Apparently the baby daddy is out of the picture, so Jace's upbringing is left up to Psycho Mom and WT Jenelle.

This particular season (Season Two) Jenelle has managed to lose temporary custody of her kid, wrangle up the biggest-of-losers boyfriend (complete with lip ring, awesome hemp necklace and no job), get kicked out her house, and possibly be facing credit card fraud charges.  Great.  I feel awesome.

Lesson learned?  Two words:  BIRTH CONTROL.  Oh, and, don't be a ho.

Hair in my throat

I hate it when the alarm goes off and I find myself in the most awesome, comfortable position (blankies perfectly warmed and soft) with Kasia and Chris sandwiching me like a Double Stuff Vanilla Oreo.  Well, technically, it would be a reverse Oreo, since Kasia is of the African-American persuasion and Chris could be taken for a Pacific Islander.  Nonetheless, the alarm starts blaring and all things that are good in the world get shot to hell in a handbasket.

The second my feet hit the floor, Kasia jumps out of bed and starts following me around (please take into consideration that she usually isn't fully "awake" so her ears are wonky and she runs into things).  This is also something I really enjoy: Kasia is only snuggly early in the morning and late at night.  Unlike Carrie's dog Beans, Kasia would rather play hide-and-seek with a pair of my underwear than do snugglies on the couch.

The next dog we adopt, I'm going to train it specifically for snuggling; no more rambunctious pup with the desire to drag tree branches around the front yard.



Relief Cut

Chris and I finished the bathroom weekend project!  Well, actually, I should say that I assisted Chris in the completion of painting of our hall bathroom.  Painted a gross, muted fleshtone, we opted for "Elephant Skin" on the walls and a lighter shade of grey on the ceiling.  To make the two colors "pop" Chris put up 3-piece crown molding.  Whoa.  It looks awesome.  Complete with a new vanity cabinet, our "terlit is lookin' real nice." 

       

If only I could make Mike Holmes appear and landscape the crap out of backyard.



Happy Saturday

I like it when people use the phrase "Bring Down the House."  This quick yet intense saying can breathe new meaning into something very simple, like a fart.  "Chris really brought down the house with that fart."  I'm just saying.....

This morning was the first in several days that upon opening my eyes, I didn't have a ten minute coughing fit.  Granted, I don't think the 45 lbs. of Kasia hairs in my throat (from her sleeping in our bed) helps however, I finally feel normal.  The Z-Pak definitely helped.  Praise Jesus for pharmaceuticals.

Though our wedding isn't until November I think it is in my best interest to kickstart a little weight loss.  When trying on my dress, setting aside that it looked rad, I determined it would look even better if I shook off some winter weight.

Cousin Lauren was in town last night and she mentioned trying her hand at P90X.  I purchased the dvds last year and only managed to get through 18 odd days or so....  I wonder if I could get through all the workouts?  New challenge.  Time to tighten the velcro, re-adjust the sports bra and strap on the wristbands.... GAME TIME.  Let's get our run on.



He should get back with Brit

Alright.  We get it.  Charlie Sheen is on the fast track to Shitsville.  Below are a few other items that I can live without from this day forward:

1.)  Prince William and Kate Middleton's Wedding Details.  No one cares.  We live in the US, not the United Kingdom.

2.)  Jennifer Aniston.  She is a crappy actress; playing the same character in EVERY movie, with the exception of Derailed, which sucked.  No one cares about her hair, beauty secrets, Mexican vacations or what she doesn't eat.

3.)  Hollywood moms and their light-speed weight loss methods.  There is no way in the world that any new mom should drop 40 pounds in 6 weeks.  Enjoy your curves, breastfeed your kid and let's move on.

4.)  Gluten free

5.)  The Bachelor and his inability to have a personality.  Of course hot Emily doesnt want to marry him.

6.)  Last but not least, Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake.  I feel the need to elaborate on this one:

Justin Timberlake is hot with hot dance moves.  His cologne (rightfully dubbed "Play") smells hot.  He is generally hot.  When Jessica Biel stepped onto the Timberlake Train, she probably was fresh off of "Blade Trinity" bandwagon when the entire cast rocked badass bodies.  So she can shoot a bow and arrow?!  So she is the face of Revlon?!  Jessica is high maintenance and ALSO dated the biggest ho, cross-eyed Derek Jeter.  JT deserves better; someone with equally hot moves and of equal financial status.  That's right.  Brit Brit.

I just threw up in my mouth

Last night, I foolishly folded to the millions of commercials for "The Bachelor: The Final Rose."  While Chris was fast asleep (or so I thought) I quietly changed the channel from "American Pickers" to "The Bachelor."  Holy crap.  Talk about cheese.

Brad has no personality; all he has going for him is a hot bod and possibly a good insurance plan.  I'm not even going to discuss his back tattoo right now--  So...... the end of the line arrives and he has to choose between bulimic Emily (note-- fresh, new veneers) and cool Chantal with the amazing rack.

Being the consommate optimist, I thought Chantal was a shoe-in.  Fun loving, free spirited and very attractive, Chantal possessed a cool confidence that was a perfect opposite to Brad's milk toast aura.  But NOOOOOO.....  Emily has to slip in, all blonde and what not, like a breath of southern sweet tea and effective anorexia and steal Brad away.  Of course he picked her; blah, boring and no zest.

I hope Chantal lands a hot ass millionaire with an Australian accent, a mild obsession for Van Halen, skiing and sweet moves on a guitar.

Its On The Books

Chris and I have officially set a date; we put down a deposit.  Saturday, November 19, 2011 is our wedding date.  We couldnt be more excited and thrilled! 

To make matters even better, my mom, Dana and Busia agreed to do some dress shopping with me yesterday.  I found my dress.  Deposit put down, I can now check that other large "to-do" off my wedding list.  Fear not, the dress chosen does not have a sheer corset, beer wench style lacing in the back or a 67ft train.


If you want to imagine "Steel Magnolias" as my wedding theme, please do so... then give yourself a labotomy.
"My colors are blush and bashful"


Amidst my chaotic weekend, I have somehow developed a disgusting sinus infection.  Jam-packed with ear pain, a sore throat, relentless coughing and a fever, I feel like crap.  No amount of Cepacol, Sudafed or warm tea is making me feel better.  Did I mention I have to get on a two-hour flight to NoLa today?  Great.  Cabin Pressure.  Awesome.

It's Friday, pass the ibuprofen

I awoke this morning with the worst sore throat of my life.  The confusing part is that I no longer have tonsils; can you get a sore throat minus tonsils?  It literally feels like someone took an auger and went to town in my esophagus.

Kasia tried to make me feel better this morning by rubbing her ear on my face, but that didn't work.  If soft shepherd ears can't cure what ails me, nothing can.
(please take note of the ear-wonkiness on the speciman)

On a lighter note, I have received word that my brother and sister-in-law may be adding one more to their ohana.  That's right-- puppy time.  The only advice I gave to Kelly was the following:

"You can't go wrong with a mutt and a soft pair of ears."  I also explained that they won't pick the dog, the dog will pick them.  In Kasia's case, she whistled at Chris, submitted her puppy resume, conducted an interview and away we went.


A few things to note for today:

1.)  I spoke with Miss Lauren Nicole Grattenthaler today and she has accepted my offer to either perform a song or do a reading at our wedding.  I failed to mention how challenging a Stevie Wonder song can be while accompanied by an accordian.

2.)  Open-toe shoes are not meant to be worn with suntan nylons.

3.)  Charlie Sheen and Britney Spears should do a music video together.